There is a POINT System? - a HOTR guide to romance

Love is an Exploding Cigar We Willingly Smoke -

Lynda Barry

Like IDPA, if you ask some women, romance and marriage have their own point system.

Frankly I don't keep track, it's like that whole Weight Watchers thing. My heart goes "kaboop", there's the smell of bacon or black powder in the air and I don't think about points.

However, I am also told that having been raised in a very testosterone laden household (all including Mom, LEO, soldiers or special ops). I don't "think like a girl" .

But today some male buddies were talking about the female "point system", totally in the dark as to why some things they did made their spouses go from all happy and warm and "look my clothes fell off" to a a "fine" and a door slam. "Just what is this whole keeping points thing", they asked.

So, in another installment of HOTR romance tips here is the point system as we know it.

HOUSEHOLD CHORES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the matching useless pillow shams (-1)

You cover the rumpled sheets with that nice tarp you brought Bambi home in so the blood stains will dry out (-100)



SHOPPING

You make a special trip to the store when she's not feeling well and buy her something she needs (+1)

It's a girly product such as white nail polish (+2)

It's nail polish for her to touch up the sights on her XD (+5)

It's raining (+10)

You return without the item but with this month's issue of Big Racks. (-10)

It's not a magazine about hunting (-300)

HOME PROTECTION

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and its the wind (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You put a load of buckshot through it (+10)

It's her chihuahua (-50)

THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with another friend (-2)

Named Trixi (-10)

Trixi is a professional pole dancer (-20)

Trixi is showing you her new implants (-40)

Your woman notices you now have your own pole (-600)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not the flaming chicken wing place or a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it involves flaming chicken wings(-2)

and sports (-3)

And it's all you can eat night (-3)

It's a flaming chicken wing place, it's all you can eat night, your face is painted the colors of your favorite team and the gift you got her is a "We're No. 1" giant foam finger (-200)

DATE NIGHT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Mutant Zombie Hookers" (-8)

You lied and said it was about kittens and starred Julia Roberts (-25)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this make me look fat?" (-5)
Sorry guys - You lose points just by playing

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply "Not as much as what you wore to work today?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she's had a bad day at work, you listen, pour her a glass of wine and give her a hug. (+4)

You listen, through two glasses of wine and tears. (+50)

All while you are missing Mythbusters (+500)

Which you are able to watch if you turn your head just so and pretend to focus on her face as you look past her into the living room, until she catches you . (-500)

So now you know what the point system is. But trust me gentlemen if you find the right woman you wont' have to worry so much about that. For in a truly good relationship there are only some things that matter.


The Home on the Range Woman is Easy to Please

We want a man who makes us laugh when we're down and laughs himself, easily and often, a man who listens and thinks, asks questions and responds.

We want a man who can rub our shoulders after 500 rounds and takes out the dog so we can sleep another 10 minutes and who knows the answer to any question involving cake, whipped cream, or ammo is yes.


We want a man that understands that we're not a stereotypical woman. We don't keep points, we don't keep score. We can fix our own house, and load our own ammo, or climb a tree blind. We don't need him to fix us or support us financially, we simply need him to just be himself when he's with us.

We want a man who can cook a roast, clean a gun, who takes care of his family if he has one and whose face lights up when he talks about us, his wheels or his wheel gun.

We want a man who knows commitment doesn't always mean vows or a contract, sometimes it's just that shared understanding that you are ready to love and defend without obligation but with your very last breath if need be.


We want a man who cherishes many things, his landscape, his loved ones, his freedom and his faith.

We want a man who knows that love is not a pie, that sex is more than exercise, a man that knows that the honor we hold, as friends, as family, as patriots, is very much like a full time job.

But if he owns an ammunition factory that makes .38 special rounds? OK. It's +1000 points.