Before there was Mythbusters

There was Red Green.

"If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."

"If it ain't broke, then you're not trying hard enough."

"If it works, don't lend it."

Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.
(When all else fails, play dead.)

"If at first you don't succeed, then use more duct tape."

"It's a million dollar idea that you can make out of a $40 car."

(Red is trying to get Glenn Braxton to guess the word "work")
Red: "After breakfast, you say to your wife, 'See you later, I'm going to...'"
Glenn: "Lie down."

"Oh God, what man has put together, let no pot hole rend assuner. Amen."

"Lower your expectations, and live a happier life"

"Remember, you may have to grow old, but you don't have to mature."

"One of the things that changes as you get older is your attitude towards parties. That's because after you've been married for a while, you realize that men and women have totally different approaches to them. The woman wants to know who's coming to the party. The man just wants to know who's bringing the beer. The woman cleans up whatever is lying around the home so the guests will think she keeps a neat house. The man actually leaves tools lying around the home so the guests will help build a deck. The woman wants to know what's going on with everybody. The man avoids that information. It's safer. It prevents him from blurting out something he's not supposed to know in front of someone who's not supposed to hear it, especially if that someone is carrying one of the tools I mentioned earlier."

To teenagers:
"If you want to dress like a sack of potatoes, wait until you look like one."

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side, a dark side and it holds the universe together.

If life gives you lemons, throw 'em into a quart of vodka.

And finally:

THE MAN'S PRAYER: "I'm a man...But I can change...If I have to...I guess."