Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Computer Warnings

I've noticed a tendency for companies, and some individuals, to attach warnings to their email (my favorite came from an IT support source that said "if you receive an email from yourself and you do not recognize the sender DO NOT OPEN".)
So I guess in keeping with the trend, I should add my own.
IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is of a sensitive top secret nature, or classified, or not in any way to be read by persons with no sense of humor, low pain thresholds or religious beliefs that involve aliens or large numbers of virgins (void in New Jersey). We take no responsibility for non-receipt of this email because you are still running Windows NT as everyone knows how well that worked out. If you received this email in error, even if it is addressed to you, forwarding of this email is not authorized, (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes a possible breach of Al Gore Internet law or a disabling social blunder. Any sentences involving the name "Joe Biden" were inserted in error and are to be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the yappy dog next door is on borrowed time. Be advised that there are no hidden codes or messages contained herein, however that contrail of Acme Airways Flight 102 that goes over your house at 2 PM each day is giving your neighbor the directions to the Mother Ship. Reading this message backwards will only give you a headache but if you listen to Abby Road backwards you will hear "Paul is Dead". So just ignore that warning box from SpySweeper. If if makes you feel better, pour a circle of salt around your chair, wave your hand over your computer and solemnly mutter "OMNI OMNI VOR" (Latin is allowed) and with that blessing, you should be safe from Malware.


  1. It should be remembered that pressing control-alt-delete is considered the same as making the sign of the cross, doing this in conjunction with shouting "the power of Christ compels thee", while staring at the blue screen of death often works wonders.

  2. Just don't get the salt inside the machine or there will be hardware issues as well as software problems.

    Saw that warning poster when the "snow leopard" operating system for Macs came on the market; it's funny. Hope the bugs are out of it now.

    Had a pc that ran on windows, but then Symantek refused to cough up the $20 mail in rebate. I found that I was spending more time on the Webroot Spy Sweeper website getting anti-spyware updates than having fun, and then the hard-drive finally fried.

    Time for a change. My only regret is that AutoCAD is not Mac compatible. That free student copy for unemployed cad designers could have come in handy. Oh well, pencil & paper will have to do for the plumbing & electrical remodel plans at home.

  3. Kahluha and Guinness and this all makes sense...

  4. ...Here I was using TACAN TACAN NOTAM LORAN. No wonder out didn't do anything useful :-P

  5. Mrs. S. - not the same warning poster, there was one with the same title but different footer and photo.

    I had more spyware with spysweeper than other systems. So I don't use it any more. Maybe if I just put a couple of free goodies from RSA on the computer they will be a great talisman.

    North - together? I've never tried that.

  6. Just remember, behind every great warning label is an attorney waiting to sue someone.

  7. Regular or "Dark". Two shots. One bottle.

    Was at the range (Date Night) and now relaxing with the drink.

  8. Good stuff. We've all been through so many versions, upgrades, updates, replacements, clashes, conflicting resources... and that's just the software. My IT guru says it's a wonder than any computer works at all, much less on a network. And the intarw3bz? Fuggedaboudit.

    North's suggestion might just be a good one.

  9. You said no post today! And then this! LOL! Salt around the chair? No, n00b, it takes a pentagram laid out with CAT-5e cable, blood of a fresh chicken in the center, and ancient holy artifacts such as 20MB Western Digital hard drives, 10Base-FL fiber and thin wire BNC connectors to survive! Bonus survival points for twin-ax cable in the inner sanctum! The most holy artifact is the DEC PDP-4, but must be used with extreme care!

    No airborne navigation tools allowed! Ahhhh... Kids these days!

  10. @ B., Sorry the closing did not go down. Very frustrating I know!

    Yes, blood of a fresh chicken! =)

  11. Keads is wrong. As a High Priest of Google Fu, the only blood that the internet takes in trade is that of certifed card carrying virgins, and thems rare indeed. (Even in IT circles these days)

    Beyond that, if you think your personal PC is bad, you should see what I deal with at work. You'd rightly run screaming.


  12. I haven't seen Win NT since i retired !

  13. Brigid asks:
    Blood of a fresh chicken, huh? :-)

    I have heard that the blood of a telemarketer or any lawyer who advertises on TV during non prime-time hours is suitable. And I mean, why waste a perfectly good chicken when substitutes are available?

  14. Snow Leopard be runnin' fine here.

  15. I'd offer up something clever to this most excellent post, but my teleprompter is broken... so I don't know what to say...

    Dann in Ohio

  16. "thank you all for making me laugh out loud!"

    Well worth the trouble to do that.

  17. "I haven't seen Win NT since i retired ! -davidc"

    I still have Win NT Server 4.0 running in a VM box.

    Industrial controls are a bit different than standard computer stuff. I still need serial ports to communicate with a LOT of stuff.

    @ Murphy- I concur!

  18. You must also cross your pinkies and bid all the wombats out of the room. With a kick reminiscent of the can-can.

    Also works to exorcise monsters from toddler bedrooms.

  19. Heh, loved it. :)

    Two best freeware anti-malware is MalwareBytes Antimalware and SuperAntispyware. They've developed a very good rep.

  20. After much brain racking and consulting my Magic 8 ball, I have come up with one other powerful but under-used method that often works with circles made with any substance:

    You put your right foot in,
    You put your right foot out;
    You put your right foot in,
    And you shake it all about.
    You do the Hokey-Pokey,
    And you turn yourself around.
    That's what it's all about!

  21. Sorry about the mixup on posters.

    Back to that comment on blood of a fresh chicken - Reminds me of a joke a Kurdish friend made. Apparently, it is tradition to butcher a chicken on the bumper when a Kurd buys a new car. When they bought their first car in America, she said "Since we're now broke, we'll just have to settle for cracking an egg on the bumper instead."

  22. And I thought I had it bad back in the 70's when I was using Punch Paper Tape to run a Sperry-Univac CP-677 on my ship to generate maps for use by Polaris Submarines. You kids, with all these fancy reel to reel tape drives, why, I remember BACK IN THE OLD DAYS......

  23. I made the mistake of reading the comments first, then tried the Kahluha & Guinness, now I'm not sure what the main topic was, but I'm good...

  24. Hi Brigid,

    University Tech Support suggested using MalwareBytes for my home computer after they discovered critters running all over the place thereby banishing it from the Network (ironically it got it from transferring data from our machinery network- UofMs BSAC- using a zip drive.

    It worked and its free.

    I like free. :)

  25. The 'Snow Leopard' Operating System?

    You realize its just a matter of time before there will be a Malware Program called 'Kilimanjaro' whose purpose is to freeze up your computer.

    Its like a red cape to a bull - or anime to a nerd.

    Jes sayin. :)

  26. Mrs. S. -

    As a free alternative to AutoCAD, have you every tried SketchUp?

    Brigid - And you thought it was gonna be somewhat stress free. Your in high jingo land now. Heh. Crack open another Guinness.

  27. He He LOL love it,me i use spyware doc and one the help at Del gave me and between them seems to get everthing.

  28. Darn it! Thanks a I am out of a job! The salt thing was a secret geek thing!

    BTW use the free version of Malwarebytes at least once a week. Install the totally free (from Microsoft??), and very effective Windows Security Essentials.

    Now a cup of coffee with Baileys and off to read the want ads.

  29. I once received a totally unsolicited/unexpected e-mail from a consultant. The closing statement was:
    "Please let me know if you don't receive this e-mail............"

    All I could think was " would I know if I didn't get this........................"

  30. I am shamelessly stealing that for my home system. When I worked for a trucking company (that shall remain nameless) I changed the company's standard blurb that went out on my e-mails, with a suitable level of snark, just to see if anyone read it.

    Turns out I had somehow managed to hack my way into the standard blurb that went out on every e-mail from everyone in the company.

    No one noticed.

    I noticed it about three months later, reading an e-mail from my boss, accidentally scrolling to the bottom and *SURPRISE* reading my own, snarky, words.

    I said nothing, but tried to recreate the events to change it back, but couldn't.

    Fast forward another 5-6 months and finally someone points out to the TPTB in the company, that while humourous, probably not very, well, ummm, needs to be changed.

    Two days later my boss came to me and asked "How'd you do it ?". I had to confess the entire story. Seems he had read the snark and it was a giant DNA fingerprint pointing at me. And he laughed his butt off in my office, once he found out that for a good 10 months or so the snark was on EVERY SINGLE COMPANY E-MAIL.

  31. OK, from the "military intelligence" file, this is a GENUINE e-mail warning (though I have added emphasis to the funny parts) received from a military post (because some uniformed yutz provided my email address instead of his own when he signed up for something):

    Caution: This message may contain competitive or other non-public information protected by federal law from disclosure and not intended for disclosure outside official government channels. Do not disseminate this message without the approval of the originating office. If you received this message in error, please notify the sender and delete all copies of the message.

    This message was sent by an automated system, you cannot reply to it.

    It took me two YEARS to get off this mailing list.


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