Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Office Warfare

Some years back, I once looked up from my cubicle to see a remote control blimp flying over my head. Stranger things have happened and the boss didn't even blink. Work can be stressful anywhere, there's meetings, budget cuts, layoffs, so sometimes when the natives get restless, there are small things designed for either the battling boss or the tactical temp. Not that I would EVER use such things where I work now. Model of decorum. That's me. :-) But IF I were to contemplate, and worked in an environment that would take such antics as stress release and not "fire me now", here are a few out there.

The son of Odin and Nord, the earth goddess, Thor was the strongest of the aesir, the Norse Gods. Thor was portrayed as a large, powerful man with a red beard, a hearty enjoyment of food and drink and eyes of lightning. Despite his ferocious appearance, he was very popular as the protector of gods and humans against evil. A hero for all. Unfortunately, for office warfare, it is not that hero. However it's the next best thing. A monkey with a cape and a mask.

Because nothing says "I'm going to kick your butt" like a cape and a mask. But this isn't just any monkey, there are little pockets in the monkeys hands that you can slip your fingers into. Then pull back his hind legs like that crazed personal trainer tried once with you and stretchhhhhhh. His arms, will extend out to vast lengths while the latent energy of rubber positively trembles with potential. Then let fly! FORE!
>Adding to the experience, the monkey will screech when jolted. Loudly. So if you can get a really strong launch, you'll hear that roar of the undefeated in mid air. Or, if the landing is bad enough, you'll get that scream that says "holy *(#)@(* GRAVITY!. Get both with a skillful launching and it's Chuck Norris, monkey edition.

Even the most relaxed work environments frown on hurling a 21 inch rubber chicken at work, so come break time, you must settle for 1.5 inch chicks propelled by a rubber band gun. The Chicken Chucker. Getting slapped by someone else's chicken is usually seen as an insult so be ready for counter warfare. Look, rubber bands are just for starters.

That cheap little helicopter you bought for 20 bucks broke the first time it met up with Mr. Wall.

You have other options. Get the WowWeeFlyTech Bladestar, (not to be confused with the WowWeeM61A1) and never worry about walls and ceilings again. Made to fly indoors, the Bladestar senses when it’s close to a wall, and automatically adjusts course. The same technology allows you to control it simply with your hands, walking it around like Boba Fett transporting Han Solo in carbonite.

Offices are constructed on many levels, both in terms of use of geometric space and structure social levels. This can present difficulties when planning those "we haven't clocked in yet, the night is ours!" raids and attack strategies.

Sure you can go in hard, hitting with rock hard determination. But that didn't work out so well at the LAST budget meeting, so how about going in with sugar and honey. Or at least sugar.

Ammo comes in various types, 9 mm, 45 acp, FAT FREE? The Marshmallow Shooter. But even the best of shooters have their limitations. For such time, there is the Marshmallow Blaster. Firing one regular sized marshmallow (not included) at a time, the Marshmallow Blaster can hit soft targets 40 feet away. Easy to lock and reload I still don't understand why they didn't have this on at least one episode of Top Shots.

Just pump the handle to build up air pressure, then lock and load a marshmallow. The handle of the pump conveniently doubles as a stock for added stabilization. Don't have any large marshmallows but there's a bag of those little ones for hot chocolate? Sugar buckshot. A blast of mini marshmallow makes for a good scatter shot. (avoid the eye area, a blinded opponent may take out the overhead light fixture with his flying monkey).

Add a Marshmallow Blaster to your arsenal and sweet victory is yours.

The Microsonic Hand Grenade. Small and with the decibils of a hand saw, it will wake up the dead or even drown out your neighbor's TMI phone call about their appointment for their colonoscopy.
How does it work?"
A Reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: >Hans the Cleric (reading)

"Then did he raise on high the MicroSonic hand grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine loud and annoying coworkers eardrums to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the Cheetoes and burned popcorn and leftover Christmas cookies and caffiene and Little Debbie cakes. Now did the Lord say, "First thou shalt thou set the delay. You can have a delay of 5, 30 or 60 seconds. 5 or 30 or 60 seconds shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be 5 or 30 or 60. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting than thou then proceedeth promptly to five .Then you shall seeth the LED flash briefly. Then, is the time of the throwing. Once the proper number, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou, the Holy Microsonic Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

-- Monty Python Holy Grail - microsonic hand grenade edition.

Nothing like a trebuchet to break the ice (or the bosses window). Actually some of the smaller ones for sale aren't really a trebuchet but a torsion engine, but that doesn't make them any less awesome.

You can't lob a disease ridden corpse over the castle walls like they used to, but it will lob balled up copies of your last "not so good" performance review (does not concentrate on work).

Airzooka is the 'fun gun' that blows a harmless ball of air towards any object, person or anial (though I'd warn aganst zapping your feline with it least they launch a catapult in return). The airball will travel up to twenty feet and beyond. Seemingly from nowhere, you are able to mess up anyone's hair or disrupt the papers on the desk of your favorite type A personality.. Requiring no batteries or electricity, AirZooka operates simply by pulling and releasing a built-in elastic air launcher. And here's the best part: because it shoots air, you'll never run out of ammo (unless you happen to be on the moon!)

Special finds for the home office. Carrying even a toy gun into the workplace isn't smart today, and even the marshmallow blaster will probably get you fired in Illinois (they have NO sense of humor) but there are still some "office warfare toys" that are fun to have in the home office if only for a break from paying utility bills.

Practice your undead shooting skills between balancing the checkbook and scheduling the kids next dental visits! The small plastic zombie assault rifle fires a laser which is detected by the zombie targets . She shoots! She Scores! (That's because I have brains.)

Shoot each zombie as it pops out or a human hostage is devoured, indicated by a red silhouette in an upper window. As you shoot, the Zombies get faster and faster (think caffeinated zombies) so shooting them quickly increases your score which is easy to see with an LED display (requires a boatload of batteries, but worth it).

With the advent of the home office for both the layman and the professional, there's a ready supply of goodies from Walmart and Staples you brought home to equip your space. Clothespins, rubber bands, paperclips, Sporks, you name it. All things you may need to build your miniature arsenal on your lunch break. Why at home?

Well, there's the kids, the dog, the UPS man, all kinds of threats to your work space and that last bag of Fritoes you have squirreled away in your desk. With a little forethought you too can have a home arsenal Detailed, step-by-step instructions for each project are provided, including materials and ammo lists, clear diagrams, and construction tips.

This is also great for teachers. Think of it. You're at your desk and across from you are several ruffians, Lord knows WHAT is in their pockets, eyes sullen, shoulders hunched. They can smell your fear. Oh WHY did you think home schooling was a good idea?

Seriously, some of this stuff would make for the best experiment for them, and ready them for when they complete their schooling and go out into the world, armed only with rubber bands and some paper clips.

Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction is your guidebook to conquering your workplace, even if it's that 4 x 6 corner in the basement between the Little Tykes In Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction, you'll find plans to build 35 devices of office warfare - including catapults, slingshots, minibombs, darts, and combustion shooters. You'll construct a tiny trebuchet from paper clips and a D-cell battery, wrap a penny in a string of paper caps to create a surprisingly impressive explosive, and convert champagne party poppers and pen casings into a three-barreled bazooka. Finally, plans are provided for a top secret concealing book to hide your stash, as well as targets (cardboard critters, big-headed aliens, and zombies) for shooting practice. Never let your home office space go undefended again.

And finally, when the enemy has only one weapon left to him, and it involves closed spaces, chili for lunch, and gas warfare, there's only one thing you can do.

Secure, Lob, Drop and Roll.

h/t to Think Geek for the inspiration and a couple of the photos.


  1. I've worked at one time or another at places where these would have been handy to have! My first thought is of my professor years. ;)

  2. Dear Miss Decorum,



    The Office Mechanic

  3. I can't say I've used nearly all of these at one time or another, then again...
    I did not have a user friendly boss, so I had to wreck havoc with stealth

  4. You frighten me. In a totally good way!

  5. I'm glad you're one of the good guys!

  6. OMG - I have totally got to build/but some of these!!! This is going to get me in soooo much trouble....

  7. That actually IS a trebuchet in the foreground....

  8. Where can I get one of those monkeys! LOL

  9. The slingshot-launch flying monkey has made his appearance in our office. I was studiously working and I kept hearing that scream from around the corner. Had to go check it out. :-)

    Yes the marshmallow gun would probably get me fired where I work.

  10. Back in the day gave away hundreds of these with my small ad on them.

    Not smart enough to post the picture only.

    Lots of fun. Recently sent a couple to my son in Kandahar.

  11. I remove all desktop icons on the Windows machines and replace it with a background picture of the previous desktop. Click, click, CLICK! Monkey works for me too!

  12. Almost all of the items look like LOTS of FUN, except for the Febreeze. Just make a preemtive strike and feed the offender beano instead.
    Please avoid any unnecessary collateral damage. Febreeze is like anaphylactic shock in a can to people unfortunate enough to have severe asthma and allergies. And epipens are really expensive!

  13. Cool stuff! We had a great game of interoffice warfare going on one day when the CSM (Command Sergeant Major) walked in. He didn't bat an eye as a pencil mocked up to look like and SA-2 flashed past his nose. We never did figure out if he noticed the pencils and thumb-tacks stuck in various cubicles and ceiling panels. Good thing we had understanding boss, but then he was running fire direction and control.

  14. Try puncturing a can of compressed bug spray in enclosed quarters.

  15. Substitute some hairspray for the air, add an ignitor to the marshmellow gun and you could have a lava launcher(or a long distance smore maker). Monkey looks interesting. Great post as usual.

  16. We used to project plastic straws and moistened ('spit') wads of paper upward via elastic bands. The objective was to get them to stick in the holes in the acoustical celing tiles. They would then drop later on the enemy, of their own volition. This was at the really big Credit Card co.
    Management just tripled our work volume, so as to keep us too busy to play (or speak to co-workers, or use the restroom).

  17. Hysterical.

    If I wasn't worried about my four-year-olds figuring out how to make some of this stuff and using it on ME, I'd have an arsenal for my home office. This is great!

  18. Thor has always been my favorite Nordic god. The hammer, thunder and lighting....all good!

  19. My son has that book. Dangerous!

  20. HA!

    Our dearly departed Sam The Lab would instantly recognize the Airzooka coming out and act appropriately. Didn't like it one bit.

    One weapon not shown, from my college days. One side punctured shaving cream can, well shaken and tossed into a dorm room once the door is opened. The trick was to lay the can on it's side for an hour or two, then puncturing it with a nail. The trick was getting the nail out and hole covered with your thumb without getting the contents on you.
    Good times, good times.

  21. OMG!!! These were hysterical! I almost spilled my coffee from laughing.

  22. And then there's this...

    We had one coworker tearing his cube apart trying to find where that noise was coming from... Endless entertainment.

  23. The Upcoming move THOR should be a fun escape from the every day but since it is based on a Marvel Comic book version of Thor Im pretty sure its not going to follow the Norse Myths too closeley :)

  24. I so love it when you get goofy Sister ~ hope you find your way home safely and that you get that head cold cleared up quick. My package should be waiting for you when you get back.

    Regarding the marshmallow shooters ~ we made well over 100 of those babies and sold them at the local harvest festival a couple of years back. I will never look at marshmallows or pvc the same again...

  25. OMG! What a riot! We bought the necessary supplies to go with the copy of Mini Weapons...we already owned. This then became the shared Christmas gift for the 3 Monkeys! Our home is still littered with binderclip bits, craft sticks and rubber bands! The jury's still out on who had more fun with it--the Monkeys or my husband!

  26. Bless you, Brigid. The Microsonic Hand Grenade reading from the Book of Armaments started my day with tears running down my chubby cheeks.

    You write of fun, I recall a modicum of madness. It was the early 1980's and in USAFE/Hq (Air Force in Europe) there was an entire directorate for "Readiness". Their Brig. General, in an effort to increase awareness among the fighter crews working for him, went around hanging Nerf airplanes in doorways and halls and place you could bump into them so you would become alert!

    We could have used some of your toys!

  27. A coworker hid a box containing a couple of baby chicks in our server/router room one morning. The system administrators went nuts and spent the day tearing apart the equipment racks looking for which piece of hardware was "chirping". The admins never thought to look in the box in the back corner of the room, and the air conditioning noise masked the true location of the source.

    (Food, water, and air were provided. The chicks spent the day warm and happy, and they went off to a local farm at 5PM.)

  28. Gotta say this:
    "I am getting a chicken chucker, dammit!!"

    A former co-worker had a fart machine that he hid various places around the office. Cannot even begin to be able to put into words what fun that was. 'course, he would also hide an old banana in the back of the bottom drawer of your filing cabinet...........maybe I don't miss him that much after all.................

  29. Oh I am sooooooooooo getting fired soon --- LOL

    I want the microsonic grenade
    I work near an airport and 747 coming in for a landing overhead cannot drown out one of my co-workers when he is on a tear.

    This was a great post and so timely for me. Even if I only get to use them in my imagination - thank you

    Although I think I am going to have to find that monkey

  30. The Air Cannon is awesome; I just wish it was quiet, as well. :-)

  31. oh yea! This post is right up my alley. My shop is full of pranksters so this is going to be a great reference for me.

  32. What you need is a long spoon and a bag of hard candy. Yes, it hit them on the head, but how can they be mad at you if you give them candy in the process?



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