Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Office Warfare

Some years back, I once looked up from my cubicle to see a remote control blimp flying over my head. Stranger things have happened and the boss didn't even blink. Work can be stressful anywhere, there's meetings, budget cuts, layoffs, so sometimes when the natives get restless, there are small things designed for either the battling boss or the tactical temp. Not that I would EVER use such things where I work now. Model of decorum. That's me. :-) But IF I were to contemplate, and worked in an environment that would take such antics as stress release and not "fire me now", here are a few out there.

The son of Odin and Nord, the earth goddess, Thor was the strongest of the aesir, the Norse Gods. Thor was portrayed as a large, powerful man with a red beard, a hearty enjoyment of food and drink and eyes of lightning. Despite his ferocious appearance, he was very popular as the protector of gods and humans against evil. A hero for all. Unfortunately, for office warfare, it is not that hero. However it's the next best thing. A monkey with a cape and a mask.

Because nothing says "I'm going to kick your butt" like a cape and a mask. But this isn't just any monkey, there are little pockets in the monkeys hands that you can slip your fingers into. Then pull back his hind legs like that crazed personal trainer tried once with you and stretchhhhhhh. His arms, will extend out to vast lengths while the latent energy of rubber positively trembles with potential. Then let fly! FORE!
>Adding to the experience, the monkey will screech when jolted. Loudly. So if you can get a really strong launch, you'll hear that roar of the undefeated in mid air. Or, if the landing is bad enough, you'll get that scream that says "holy *(#)@(* GRAVITY!. Get both with a skillful launching and it's Chuck Norris, monkey edition.

Even the most relaxed work environments frown on hurling a 21 inch rubber chicken at work, so come break time, you must settle for 1.5 inch chicks propelled by a rubber band gun. The Chicken Chucker. Getting slapped by someone else's chicken is usually seen as an insult so be ready for counter warfare. Look, rubber bands are just for starters.

That cheap little helicopter you bought for 20 bucks broke the first time it met up with Mr. Wall.

You have other options. Get the WowWeeFlyTech Bladestar, (not to be confused with the WowWeeM61A1) and never worry about walls and ceilings again. Made to fly indoors, the Bladestar senses when it’s close to a wall, and automatically adjusts course. The same technology allows you to control it simply with your hands, walking it around like Boba Fett transporting Han Solo in carbonite.

Offices are constructed on many levels, both in terms of use of geometric space and structure social levels. This can present difficulties when planning those "we haven't clocked in yet, the night is ours!" raids and attack strategies.

Sure you can go in hard, hitting with rock hard determination. But that didn't work out so well at the LAST budget meeting, so how about going in with sugar and honey. Or at least sugar.

Ammo comes in various types, 9 mm, 45 acp, FAT FREE? The Marshmallow Shooter. But even the best of shooters have their limitations. For such time, there is the Marshmallow Blaster. Firing one regular sized marshmallow (not included) at a time, the Marshmallow Blaster can hit soft targets 40 feet away. Easy to lock and reload I still don't understand why they didn't have this on at least one episode of Top Shots.

Just pump the handle to build up air pressure, then lock and load a marshmallow. The handle of the pump conveniently doubles as a stock for added stabilization. Don't have any large marshmallows but there's a bag of those little ones for hot chocolate? Sugar buckshot. A blast of mini marshmallow makes for a good scatter shot. (avoid the eye area, a blinded opponent may take out the overhead light fixture with his flying monkey).

Add a Marshmallow Blaster to your arsenal and sweet victory is yours.

The Microsonic Hand Grenade. Small and with the decibils of a hand saw, it will wake up the dead or even drown out your neighbor's TMI phone call about their appointment for their colonoscopy.
How does it work?"
A Reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: >Hans the Cleric (reading)

"Then did he raise on high the MicroSonic hand grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine loud and annoying coworkers eardrums to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the Cheetoes and burned popcorn and leftover Christmas cookies and caffiene and Little Debbie cakes. Now did the Lord say, "First thou shalt thou set the delay. You can have a delay of 5, 30 or 60 seconds. 5 or 30 or 60 seconds shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be 5 or 30 or 60. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting than thou then proceedeth promptly to five .Then you shall seeth the LED flash briefly. Then, is the time of the throwing. Once the proper number, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou, the Holy Microsonic Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

-- Monty Python Holy Grail - microsonic hand grenade edition.

Nothing like a trebuchet to break the ice (or the bosses window). Actually some of the smaller ones for sale aren't really a trebuchet but a torsion engine, but that doesn't make them any less awesome.

You can't lob a disease ridden corpse over the castle walls like they used to, but it will lob balled up copies of your last "not so good" performance review (does not concentrate on work).

Airzooka is the 'fun gun' that blows a harmless ball of air towards any object, person or anial (though I'd warn aganst zapping your feline with it least they launch a catapult in return). The airball will travel up to twenty feet and beyond. Seemingly from nowhere, you are able to mess up anyone's hair or disrupt the papers on the desk of your favorite type A personality.. Requiring no batteries or electricity, AirZooka operates simply by pulling and releasing a built-in elastic air launcher. And here's the best part: because it shoots air, you'll never run out of ammo (unless you happen to be on the moon!)

Special finds for the home office. Carrying even a toy gun into the workplace isn't smart today, and even the marshmallow blaster will probably get you fired in Illinois (they have NO sense of humor) but there are still some "office warfare toys" that are fun to have in the home office if only for a break from paying utility bills.

Practice your undead shooting skills between balancing the checkbook and scheduling the kids next dental visits! The small plastic zombie assault rifle fires a laser which is detected by the zombie targets . She shoots! She Scores! (That's because I have brains.)

Shoot each zombie as it pops out or a human hostage is devoured, indicated by a red silhouette in an upper window. As you shoot, the Zombies get faster and faster (think caffeinated zombies) so shooting them quickly increases your score which is easy to see with an LED display (requires a boatload of batteries, but worth it).

With the advent of the home office for both the layman and the professional, there's a ready supply of goodies from Walmart and Staples you brought home to equip your space. Clothespins, rubber bands, paperclips, Sporks, you name it. All things you may need to build your miniature arsenal on your lunch break. Why at home?

Well, there's the kids, the dog, the UPS man, all kinds of threats to your work space and that last bag of Fritoes you have squirreled away in your desk. With a little forethought you too can have a home arsenal Detailed, step-by-step instructions for each project are provided, including materials and ammo lists, clear diagrams, and construction tips.

This is also great for teachers. Think of it. You're at your desk and across from you are several ruffians, Lord knows WHAT is in their pockets, eyes sullen, shoulders hunched. They can smell your fear. Oh WHY did you think home schooling was a good idea?

Seriously, some of this stuff would make for the best experiment for them, and ready them for when they complete their schooling and go out into the world, armed only with rubber bands and some paper clips.

Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction is your guidebook to conquering your workplace, even if it's that 4 x 6 corner in the basement between the Little Tykes In Mini Weapons of Mass Destruction, you'll find plans to build 35 devices of office warfare - including catapults, slingshots, minibombs, darts, and combustion shooters. You'll construct a tiny trebuchet from paper clips and a D-cell battery, wrap a penny in a string of paper caps to create a surprisingly impressive explosive, and convert champagne party poppers and pen casings into a three-barreled bazooka. Finally, plans are provided for a top secret concealing book to hide your stash, as well as targets (cardboard critters, big-headed aliens, and zombies) for shooting practice. Never let your home office space go undefended again.

And finally, when the enemy has only one weapon left to him, and it involves closed spaces, chili for lunch, and gas warfare, there's only one thing you can do.

Secure, Lob, Drop and Roll.

h/t to Think Geek for the inspiration and a couple of the photos.