Brigid's Bachelor Cooking

A bowl of Star Wars Cereal. Bachelor cooking at its best. Later, add in some corned beef hash, wings, chips and beer and you have most major food groups of the North American Bachelor. But cooking is easier than you think, and the best way to make a good impression on someone.

Don't let horror stories of kitchen disasters deter you. We've all had them. You will have one too and will find that it eventually makes for great remembrance.

My long time readers have heard this story before. When I was really little, my Mom read an article about cooking poultry in a paper bag before the plastic cooking bags were the rage. She prepped the turkey and popped it in a Safeway paper grocery bag and it went in the oven. The problem was, she missed the part about cooking it on LOW. A long roasting while later, with all the grease and juice from the meat pooling into the bottom of the bag, the timer button of the turkey blew, poking a hole in the bag, causing structural failure of the bottom of it and releasing a torrent of grease onto an oven element as hot as Mars.

WHOOOSH !

I remember to this day my brother Roger looking up calmly from his Tonka Toys, with the matter of fact words. "Mom! The turkey blew up" and her reaction, the only time I ever saw my LEO, but ladylike, Mom uttering the F word.

*^@# the turkey's on FIRE!

Dad of course, grabbing a beer during the carnage, muttered something about "oh the humanity", told her to leave the oven closed until it burned out, and went to KFC.

I've had pretty good luck, cooking for any number from 1 to 27. But there ARE some things I've learned in the Home on the Range Kitchen over the years, that I can pass on. So here it is.

The HOTR Bachelor Cooking Guide


Dating has changed a lot in the last 25 years. It was easier back then, when you just asked someone out, took them to a restaurant and you had a meal. For men, you didn't have to negotiate the Treaty of Versailles to actually plan the date, and you didn't have to show up with a white flag and shrink wrap for your body parts, apologizing in advance for actually being a man. For women, you didn't have to spend days consulting the latest article on the internet on how to be a good date, what to wear, how to act. It's a date, not a planned invasion. You simply put on something pretty, and showed up dressed nice and smiling (though naked and a six pack always scored bonus points, so I hear).

My brothers cooked me a meal once when they were bachelors that consisted of frozen egg rolls and tater tots. They've come a long way since then. My last meal at my brother R's house was pork tenderloin and risotto.

Two of the best cooks I know are men. I arrived up at Mr. B. and Midwest Chick's the other night for supper and found this rotisserie-ing away. Pork stuffed with goodies, then rolled, tied and rubbed down with a secret blend of B's herbs and spices before hours of slow roasting.


With it were baked potatoes the size of a raccoon and blanched fresh asparagus with Parmesan butter. How Midwest Chick stays so petite that she could fit in my range bag, with cooking like that, is beyond me, but it's a blessing to get to share it.


More and more people now cook for their friends, dates or lovers. It can be fun, it can be sexy, it's always considerate. I spent my recent vacation cooking for people I love. Friends said - But it was your vacation? I love to cook, I love them. It's simple.

But you only need a few basic tools in your kitchen and a little practice to make a good meal that doesn't completely come out of a can.


Make your meal preparation appropriate for the group and the time that you'll have. That 42 ingredient crepes d' hearts of palm might be great for your new sister in law, but if dinner is you and the dog, don't bother. Friends are normally happy with chili and stews and various roast beasts. I do the elaborate gourmet dinner on occasion, but you don't need to make something that takes all day to have happy guests.

(2). If you're new to cooking, find a recipe you like and keep it. You can always experiment on your Mom or your best friend but if you have a date, stick with what you know works. I knew a guy at Canada's Secret Squirrel headquarters that had this recipe he called "The Sure Thing". It involved tenderloin and bacon and was the only thing he could cook. It's the only thing he NEEDED to cook, according to the ladies. And once on a joint excursion I had him teach me how to make it (Thank you Dan!)

(3). Use what you have on hand. Think kitchen commando not "does this apron make me look fat". Tell Martha Stewart to take a hike. Think culinary MacGyver. (In the nick of time, there, bottled barbecue sauce!)

Example. You've got a couple leftover 6-7 inch hoagies, or a couple of small pre-made pizza crusts or a foot or so of french bread. You've also got a few slices of bacon, some leftover rotisserie chicken, a chunk of cream cheese, some bagged cheese and a can of green chilies.You always have some barbecue sauce and hot red peppers. (This is The Range, remember).

Open the chilies and drain, and mix a couple healthy cups of the leftover chicken with about 1/3 cup barbecue sauce. Slice the French bread (or bread of your choice) in half if needed and bake at 400 F. for 5 minutes. While that's in there, cook the bacon up quick and set aside. Spread the bread with a thin layer of cream cheese, slather on the chicken mixture and top with diced bacon, a quarter cup of the green chilies, a few shakes of crushed red pepper and enough jack cheese to cover. Bake another 8-13 minutes or so until the cheese is bubbly and beginning to brown.

That was easy, wasn't it?

(4). Never, ever, ever, serve your date a small frozen individual meal, the box for which you threw out before she arrived. Your date will quickly recognize the tasty but tiny Stouffers entree even if you put a sprig of Parsley on it, and WILL ask for seconds just to watch the panicked look in your eyes. (Hungry redheads can be vicious).

(5). Most family sized frozen prepared meals are loaded with salt. You might as well get a salt link and offer her a beer instead. Fix one of those expensive but easy, bagged Italian meals and you'll have enough salt for all the deer in Colorado. Many of them are really tasty. She may love the taste but I guarantee, one large glass of water later and she'll spend the remainder of the night looking at her thighs and stomach in the bathroom mirror muttering " I'm suddenly a blimp, what the hell happened" which is not where you wanted the evening to end.

Instead, simmer a can of tomatoes and a can of tomato paste, or any leftover pasta sauce, with a small cereal spoon full of jarred Italian seasoning and a shake of garlic powder and toss with some nuked veggies and those sliced leftover Brats and/or chicken from the weekend grill. Boil some pasta and grate some cheese for it that doesn't come out of a green can and you have something that tastes just as good at a fraction of the cost with 1/10th of the salt. You can add some peppers or olives if you are adventuresome. It's still easy.

Cowboy pasta, click to enlarge, recipe in the sidebar recipe column

(6). You don't need to prep an entire elk to put meat on the table (but I will if you ask nice). There are tasty and meaty entrees you can always put together quickly. Pork tenderloins are about as easy as they come, (temp and time on the plastic wrap), served with a bag of veggies and a loaf of bread. Chicken breasts? Sprinkle with Penzey's Chicken and Rib Rub and bake at 375 for 30 minutes, basting with Iron Chef General Tao's sauce the last 10 minutes.


(7). High priced cuts of meat are not ALWAYS the best. Veal is like dating a 21 year old. Tasty but boring and expensive. If you're on a budget, marinate the meat in simple wine, a little olive oil, a dash of sugar and a few shakes of Italian seasoning, then drain and grill. This will make your $6 steak taste like a $20 one. Pork tenderloin or even chicken, whacked with a mallet and dredged in flour can make a good substitute for higher priced items.

(8). Spices are based on flavor, not color. Years ago, a girlfriend was invited to a guys house for bunch. The ham quiche came out of the oven sprinkled generously with a spice of a reddish color and an odd aroma. She bit into it, put on her best Academy Award face and said "gosh, this is interesting. . . what's the spice?" to which he replied "Well it was supposed to be paprika but I didn't have any so I used Cinnamon, it's the same color."

(9). Watch out for recipes on line. I've always had good results from the popular cooking blogs (I owed my social life for years to Pioneer Woman's lasagna recipe) but use ones that allow for feedback and reviews. Just because someone puts pictures of food on their non-food blog, doesn't guarantee they're a good cook, though most are. Occasionally a well intentioned armchair gourmet will start out on a post and then start in on the cooking wine. Pretty soon they're half blitzed and start throwing around ingredients that most bachelors have never even heard of. (What in the heck is a shallot?). Before they pass out in the Béchamel sauce you may see other ingredients like pigeon, caramelized kiwi and pureed endive used the same sentence. If that occurs, shut down blogger and call Aurelio's Pizza.

(10). In online recipes, beware of editing errors. If it calls for 333 cloves of garlic, our cook Sherry has left her finger on the computer key too long. Another word of warning, macaroni and cheese recipes always have cheese in them. Trust me on this.

(11). Using foods that have gotten a little stale is not a problem. Soften raisins for breads and cookies by soaking in pure vanilla for a while. You can also soak them in rum, but be prepared for pirates. Slightly stale bread makes great french toast, and brown sugar the density of an ammo can can be softened a number of ways.

(12). Organic and "health food store" food is not always the most delicious and is never the best bargain. However, some do have their uses. Natural Peanut Butter from the Health Food Store can be used for regular peanut butter AND cabinet repairs.

(13). Tabasco is to cooking what forgiveness is to friendship. A little can go a long way to mend things. But if you are unsure as to whether your date likes things hotter than you, put them on the table as a condiment, not as a main ingredient.

(14). A Kitchen-Aid and good coffee-making gear is essential at the Range. But go easy on the kitchen appliances. There's a lot of them, including the infamous Salad Shooter. I think I'd pass on the battery operated twirling spaghetti fork though.

Using a fork and a spoon too hard for you? This handy gadget winds pasta noodles around the metal forked end of the apparatus so that you don’t have to do it yourself. If the $10 price tag doesn't throw you, imagine accidentally hitting the "twirl" button while this thing is in your mouth as a pasta transport. I bet you'll hear some words even my Mom doesn't know.

And I don't care how big your counter is, do you really need one of these?

(15). Substitutions are allowed. I've used the milk and lemon juice in place of buttermilk many a time. But some things can not be substituted. Powdered Tang can NOT be substituted for sugar and orange juice in a fruit cobbler unless your child needs a mock meteorite for a science fair.

(16). You don't have to spend a lot of time dicing and slicing vegetables. There are a lot of frozen ones that are easy to microwave and have high nutritional value. I've friends that literally don't have a single fruit or vegetable in their house and I always wondered why they didn't get scurvy until they made me one of their margaritas.

So, guys and gals, add some fruit and veggies to your repertoire. Fresh is often the best, nutrition wise, but frozen is way better than canned. Throw in some fruit that's not in jug, a bag of bananas or some strawberries. Try different fresh foods. But don't get too exotic on me now. Would MacGyver buy a mango if it couldn't be used to blow something up?

And don't forget your greens. You have to find some use for your Salad Shooter.