Thursday, March 8, 2012

Posts from the Road - Falling Up

The bat phone went off this week, and I will be busy for a bit, but there will be saved posts to come up. Til later, enjoy each and every moment that you have with those you love.
As kids it seems we tumbled to the ground on a regular basis, the knees on our jeans mended with these iron on patches that never quite matched the denim. Such repairs weren't a sign that our parents were thrifty and wouldn't buy us new pants, it was an unspoken badge of courage that we could wear out our pants faster than our Mom could take us to the store. Score one for the team!

We grow up and seem determined never to fall again. But we do

I was walking along, heading back to the truck from a farm field where we'd all been scouting out a spot to put up a blind for bow season. We were moving pretty quickly and I was rambling on about something or other and the last thing I remember seeing was a crack of yellow sky and I went down. I hit the ground, inhaling the scent of Tinks and dirt, the sky falling away."Are you OK?" from Og, leaning over me in concern. I'd managed to catch my foot on a piece of corn infrastructure and went down, face first, not even time to put my arms out. Think farmland mammogram.

"No problem", I said as I got back up, not wanting to let on that it was all I could do not to cry. I laughed and brushed the dirt off my nose and continued on as if I'd meant to do that.

What else do you do? Falling is never easy. Sometimes you have to practice.Like learning to ride a bike.The wobbly start on training wheels, then finally free form freedom, and the inevitable resultant crash.

When I was in my 20's falling got a little more serious. I liked to head up tall mountains on my time off. Understand now, I played no part in any overly difficult assents, anything requiring any serious mountaineering skill. Technical hikes at best. I did my excursions with a ragtag bunch of hikers and outdoors people rounded up from the local airport where I flight instructed. We were young, and we were fearless still, for some reason drawn to each other and drawn upward. The treks were amateur, but we looked on them as daringly anarchistic ripostes to the militaristic expeditions we'd all read about. Fueled with youth and trusting the God that hopefully looks after children and idiots, we simply roped ourselves together and headed uphill.

In some sense, all things wish to ascend, evolution to a higher form, people of God, towards a higher spirit. Ancient civilizations honored the high places because they sensed they were the homes of the Gods. For us, it was just an awareness of a promise, of something we couldn't explain, a chance if just for a few hours to be above all the decisions we were facing, poised on the edge of adulthood. So we hiked and if we found a steep face of rock in our way to the next trail, we climbed, and in rising up to the home of the ancient spirits, there was more than a metaphor; there was a means of discovery.

It was on of these climbs that we met an older gentlemen, an ordained minister, one who shared his faith more by deed than by the spoken word and who joined us for a day or two. Frank believed that all things came from grace. But grace comes from hard work as well as trust, and trust is learned on the mountains. One morning at 8,000 feet on the side of Mt. Rainier he produced a Bible and a small flask of whiskey. Cutting off a chuck of week old bread with a vintage hunting knife he conducted the most moving Mass I ever expect to attend. He left behind the knife and a memory of what articulate grace in the face of stone hard reality really means, an important picture for a group of young adults.

We all went our separate ways after that trip, though we still talked regularly. But as we got older it seemed we bragged more of successes and shared less the stories of failed adventure. Was it because we were just loath to admit it, or was it we were trying less, settling down into quiet suburban lives of mowing the lawn every week and doing what made others happy, not what made us happy. If we mentioned climbing or going up and hanging upsidedown in an airplane, G forces be damned, the spouses would say, no, that's dangerous, stay home and cut the lawn. So we did, we mowed, we carpooled and we gave up on those days when the distance between security and death was only a measure of feet.

I was no different, ending up on a small farm, married. I'd watch the cattle be born, and then we'd feed them, watching them live their lives in tame oppression, never roaming far. Sometimes after a strong storm, a whole section of fence would go down. but the cattle would stay in, content to be where it was familiar and food was plentiful. We'd watch them grow fatter and softer and tamer until one day it came time to cull. And we'd judge and point and with a dispassionate nod of the head, some of them would head off in the truck, never to return.

There are many good things about that life. There was steadiness to it, living each day on an even flat plane of daily chores. But there was something to be said for those repeated motions that reminded us of what our fathers toiled for. Nature was the biggest unknown. There were years we cut hay between squalls.There were floods and drought, illness and blood. There were days of cold desolation, miles from the nearest convenience, and other days where Cardinals flew around me, hovering in the air about my shoulders like a colorful sweater as I worked in the garden

But my life now has more balance. I've shed the cattle but not the love of the farm or the land, for a subdivision life lost it's appeal pretty quickly. I still occasionally get to rappel in somewhere where I can bring home scrapes that would make the neighbor kids proud. I have fields when I need them, and friends who are never hesitant to pick up a firearm and head out with me for the adventure that will always live in us.

Sometimes you will fall. But don't let it stop you. Dust yourself off and climb up that mountain and wake to a dawn scented with promise, the stars immortal in the sky. What is ahead is unknown, you can treat it with fear, dreading that feeling as the ground falls away, the tiny rocks clammering down like the first throw of dirt on a pine box. Or you can treat it as perceived feast, like a wafer on the tongue. A leap of faith for all you believe in, a willful jump into a place free of time and regret, where all the names and the faces of those you love surround you, as below you, the wild things that call to you, run on ahead of soundless guns.

It's your choice. Stay in the safety of the jeep or get out and wrestle the giant Anaconda. There are no guarantees. Just as in climbing, the negligible distance between your hand and the wall may be inches. Those are inches that seem like miles as your eyes look at the chasm and sense the impending slide down into despair or death if you give up. But there are other sorts of distances, other sorts of helplessness that lead to worse things than death.

I'm not sure why I thought of all of these things. Perhaps its the work of the last couple of days. Perhaps it was the thought of the placid cattle wandering off to their own doom, as I lined myself up with other bovine to board a plane a couple days ago. I don't always know when I will return, and always, if I will return. I have many answers about how life ends, but my own will be a mystery. When I last view that yellow sliver of sky, I expect it to be a complete surprise.

In the meantime, I'll listen and I learn, following the compass of the heart's hard turning, and the brain's slow learning, what paths to take and why. And I'll watch out for that ninja corn.


  1. Somehow, your words are ever-so-often the exact thing that I need to hear at the time. You have a special knack for that, in addition to the beautiful word pictures and the faith that underlies them. In my current struggles and deep uncertainty, you are one of my bright stars to steer by. Thank you...

  2. Once again you've touched on something I've been thinking about lately. Perhaps the passing of Neptunus Lex put you in a more meditative frame of mind, but no matter.

    Nice Wild Kingdom reference, too.

  3. I gave up on coincidences long ago. God does stuff on purpose. This is the third time in 2 days that I've been challenged to look for the next adventure. I've gotten glassy eyed, and lost my........ 'spirit' making easy money, mostly coasting.

    I don't know if others say this, but I think God put that in your heart for me. Today.

    Thank you for putting your thoughts down for me to read.


  4. I thought a farmland mammogram was what took place behind the barn? Course, I'm a city boy, I know not of such things.
    Barns, I mean...

  5. Brigid, thanks again for blogging. Again, a breath of fresh air and encouragement. One should not only look at quantity when measuring life but live until you die. You said it better.

  6. Wow!

    I'm a fairly new follower of your blog. This sort of post is what caught my eye in the first place.

    Safe travels.

  7. some day I hope to meet you.
    you are rather high on my list of personal heroes! Not because of your superpowers or personal invincibility. More because of your human vulnerability. The way in which you transcend the everyday.

  8. There are still two overlarge ponds in that cornfield. I'm pretty sure there will be walleye in one before long.

  9. Alison - you are one of the strongest women out there. Thank YOU.

    North - I'm pushing up the "going out with a bang" time line up to age 98 and possible JATO bottle on my jet ski.

    Rev Paul - I think most of our generation remembers that show. Poor Jim NEEDED that Mutual of Omaha Life Insurance.

    armedlaughing - we cross bred some Longhorns and Charolais. Nature wasn't going to do it for us as those two didn't get along or live near one another. So AI was to take place. I tried to explain to my young niece how that worked as she was quite curious. When the man showed up she ran in the house yelling "Aunt B. Aunt B. the man is here to make love to the cow!)

    Dave Welcome - and I love your Deer Cam.

    John B - Thank you. I'm just the giggly one with freckles in the corner, telling the bad puns and laughing.

    og - that took me a moment and then I spurted my tea. We should probably go check, and bring a fishing pole. I'm housesitting for our friends with the cats the whole first week of April. Tell Mrs. Og, and let's all plan some outings.


I started this blog so the child I gave up for adoption could get to know me, and in turn, her children, as well as share stories for a family that lives too far away. So please keep it friendly and kid safe. Posts that are only a link or include an ad for an unknown business automatically to to SPAM..