Thursday, November 29, 2012

Posts from the Road - Spam-tastic

SPAM - like leading a horse to water.  Or not.

I've seen it all. Tam gets the best ones, but I do get them, even without accepting anonymous comments. There's the one guy who leaves common sense comments on all the popular blogs - completely generic comments that indicated he never read your post.  We may not all write Shakespeare in a comment but putting "loved your post! or great idea! - link exchange?" on a post about a death in someone's family or a soldier being killed  while serving is beyond tactless.  When it goes back to a blog that's pretty much nothing but ads, other people's writing you copied and other people's videos, it's just wrong.

But there is always the obvious SPAM that IS funny. There are the ones that seem to be written by someone whose first language is NOT English. (Hot,  like a cow on fire!)

And the SPAM that comes via "thank you gmail!" Letting me know there's a source  for everything I could ever want to know on the "craps workbench (verb or noun?), ascent tampon, gopher debilitator, or products from the Spiderman Pharmacy.  Then of course there are the letters from folks with long legal titles in mangled English that begin with a narrative informing me of the giant foreign lottery I won that I don't remember entering, or the arrangement to cash a big check for someone overseas in exchange for a fee so big I could buy my own island  -

"I humbly request your ass. . ."


Then there are the ones that just make you tilt your head like the RCA dog. Huh?

"Observe up the monumental hunk of process, I show handful points on this internet site also I deem that your net scene is rattling stimulating furthermore has places of splendid news.”

"Monumental hunk of process?" Apparently a Six Sigma guy on crack selling the "Western Wedding Dress"  (and there is no way in@#*&  I'm clicking on anything with the word wedding dress in it.)

Of course,  there are the  the more mundane ones, simply a sensible sounding comment  that makes sense but is so generic that it might not have any bearing on the actual post, but then again, it could.  "I wonder who sent it ? There's no link, just a blogger name, this must be someone I know" (click on the blogger name) -  "Act Now, get The Ronco Weasel Encabulator!"

The HOTR Crown Roast of SPAM

But this latest one, from a country where the currency exchange is likely  based on the current value of a camel, did make me laugh after a VERY long and stressful week.  Maybe because he called me "dude" before trying to sell me dental equipment likely leftover from the last Soviet invasion, (the last three words being a direct link which I did NOT click on.)

"thanx dude i am really ur post tooth extracting forceps"

So, what were YOUR worst SPAM comments?

26 comments:

Monkeywrangler said...

Sadly, I hardly even get SPAM on my blog...though readership is creeping upward.

However, Bacon Spam (by Hormel) is actually very tasty!

Vic303

Rev. Paul said...

I must be doing something wrong; almost never get any spam. Hmm.

BobG said...

Most of mine is either trying to help my sex life with pills to enhance my manhood:
(Make her scream with ecstasy!)
(Give her a monster pole!)
(They will be lining up at your bedroom door!)


Or I get ones that look like they were written by Bob Dylan tripping on acid.

GPS_Direct said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GPS_Direct said...

What?!?! You mean there's not an 8-star Nigerian General looking to start up an internet cafe on Madagascar? Looks like I made a poor investment decision...

And, speaking from personal experience, those Weasel Encabulators are only worth having if their surmounted on a base of pre-famulated amulite. Just sayin'.

Old NFO said...

Good one! :-)

Brigid said...

Monkeywrangler - Roberta X brought some of the Bacon Spam to a blog meet!

Rev Paul - if you mis-spelll my blogsite name, you get a couple of very interesting sites, one ultra religious and one semi R rated with lots of ads, hoping to get my readers through bad typing.

bobG - oh my, so you're saying "so big you can park a car on it" wasn't automotive accessoreis?

Well Seasoned Fool said...

Per StatMeter.com, I get about 500 hits a month from Russia. Can't imagine anything about my blog that would interest a Russsian.

I do get Anonymous comments that start, "Wonderful information.....fifty words....my site CPAcheatum etc.

mushroom said...

Bacon Spam is good stuff.

I was getting a lot of ads for ambien, xanax, and similar products. Not so much enhancement stuff -- maybe they figure I'm a lost cause.

A post about the Fed and economics elicited this comment -- Greate article. Keep posting such kind of info on your blog. Im really impressed by your blog. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about soap.

Bernanke is rather slippery ...

john bord said...

Takes spam... finely dices... tosses in skillet over medium heat.... adds couple free range eggs and scrambles until crumbly. Seasons with hot sauce, pepper and dash of salt. Maybe has some grits n toast for a chaser. Then hits delete button.

Ahh the freedom of choices, a few are left.

Larry said...

"Louis Vuitton bag, a pioneer in more tard."

to which I am in total agreement.


"(and there is no way in @#*& I'm clicking on anything with the word wedding dress in it.)"

That sound you hear is the hopes and dreams of your entire male readership crashing to the ground in a ball of flaming wreckage. :D

Roscoe said...

I get spam email intended for an Australian landscape architect with the same real world name. It arrives more frequently this time of year as summer gears up down there and the nurseries and mulch suppliers get busy.

I also occasionally receive questions about my pseudonym. I am not a rabid "Dukes of Hazard" fan or referencing the famous aviator. The origin of the name is an unhealthy number of repeat screenings of this flick in college.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUsrw2glbrY

GunDiva said...

Best spam ever:

Tara wrote a blog post called "Die in the Parking Lot" - about not being passive in a bad situation. It's an excellent piece and one of our most read posts.

A week ago, I got this:
mary lau said...
Playground equipment has evolved to make things more fun for kids. Wilkins Solutions provides playground equipment in Orlando for schools, hotels, apartments and more. playgorund equipment Orlando.

Truly, I couldn't erase it because the had obviously never read the post and it made me giggle.

Mrs. S. said...

Don't get spam, maybe because I set up the blog to be unsearchable.

I originally started the blog so that pa-in-law could keep up with our activities. Now that he's gone, my only excuse is that I just forgot to stop blogging. Knowing pa-in-law, upon arrival at the pearly gates, his first question was probably, "Do you have wi-fi?"

deadmandance said...

I like the ones complimenting me on my great writing, on a post I made that has some weird Scandinavian music video or something--and no writing.

Or the ones that go something like "While you has makes good points, I think some error could better. If improve, I am sure back." Was it an insult? Constructive criticism? Who could know?

Ken O said...

Having abandoned my blog some years back, I have only the email spam to comment on. All too often, the messages have to do with "young, nubile, innocent (insert Russian sounding name here)" who has no doubt served more than McDonalds.

Six said...

The latest batch seems to be chinese writing with random english words thrown in for flavor.

(Chinese characters) amazing (Chinese characters) Weasels (Chinese characters) hairless
(Chinese characters) BUY!

Maybe it's some subliminal thing?

NotClauswitz said...

I don't seem to get any, I guess I'm not very popular!

agirlandhergun said...

I love spam. I hardly ever have time to keep up on deleting them, so on Friday nights TSM and I read them and laugh. That's how exciting our life is...lol

OldAFSarge said...

Alright now that I have stopped laughing uncontrollably (great comments here, always) - am I the only guy who gets spam comments promising me a larger manhood and bigger breasts? I personally don't see a need for both and just how did they know? My best spam comment to date:

"Thanks in support of showing such a fastidious thinking, piece of writing is fastidious, thats why i have read it fully Here is my weblog www.[redacted].fi"

I'm very happy that someone in Finland finds my posts "fastidious".

BePrepared said...

Most of my spam goes right in the spam folder, I guess I'm one of the few who actually tag the crap in my in box.

Anyway everytime I think of getting spam, I recall the old "Ronco" style commercials of the 80s...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/76484458@N00/156980933/

Expat said...

I'm still waiting to hit the big time and be spam-worthy...

I've heard that e-fried spam can taste pretty good when served with burnt, scrambled troll!

Ad absurdum per aspera said...

> "so big you can park a car on it"


Reminds me of a conversation I had at a conference in maybe 2003. A deadpan Dutch colleague said, "I receive two or three a day, each promising to add an inch. If I took them all, soon it should appear on the road atlas!"

I really very seldom get spam anymore -- at least not of the classic varieties (work-from-home pyramid schemes, the herbal shortcut to superior manhood, the beleaguered Nigerian Minister of Petroleum, etc., as opposed to unrequested offers from legitimate companies).

For several years now we've have great server-side filtering at work. This is fortunate, because various authorities estimate that somewhere around 80-90% of all e-mails are spam, and I can easily get a few dozen legitimate e-mails a day. That percentage sometimes goes down when the operator a major spam server or botnet gets busted; but Nature, like dogs, abhors a vacuum, so it rises again.

What I don't understand is *why*. I quite literally don't know anyone anymore who would respond to such a thing. Either it's so cheap to send that a one-in-a-gadzillion response rate is adequate, or (my guess) the people who make their living by fostering spam are the only ones making money.

Greg said...

I have had waves of spam in the past. Mostly Russian. When I set up my blog using WordPress, my hosting company offered a free anti spam software plugin called Akismet. It has caught 100 percent of the spam. The spam goes in the spam bucket and I hit delete.

Bob Cloud said...

Yep, I've gotten those myself and I can't imagine anyone falling for them. However there is another one out in the void that comes from nowhere and locks your computer. It shows a big official looking FBI logo and says that they (the spam filth) has detected illeagally downloaded MP-3's on your computer in violation with copyright laws and if you don't go immeadiately and buy something called a Money Pak to the tune of $200 you will be prosecuted and possibly imprisoned. But if you go to a Wal-Mart or Walgreens or KMart or 7 Eleven and a some other high profile corporate logos and buy that Money Pak, they (spam filth) will unlock your computer. Now I don't know about you but that smacks of extortion in my little world and I intend to pursue it. Probably won't stop it but I haven't had a decent smackwdown lately and I'm due. I also intend to ask Wal-Mart etal if they know that their corporate logos appear as part of an internet scam/spam/virus. Oh and I've contacted the FBI and AT&T and they told me it was spam and didn't seem to have much interest in getting involved.

Leslie said...

I don't know what a gopher debilitator is but I want one.