Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Keep Your Stick on the Ice - Brigid's Guide to Sports

It seems you can't turn on the TV without sports, channels devoted to sports, channels of discussions about channels with sports and always, sports related references on every show out there, including even my favorite shows.

Linda: And in sports, Yankees fifth-blurnsman William Wu is out with an injured kneeMorbo: So, humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this information very useful indeed. Mua-ha-ha!

I'm not a sports person, but after I blew out my knee last winter during "Labrador Retreivers on Ice!",  I found that most guy friends blew out their knees with an event involving a combination of testosterone and a ball (as opposed to my injury which involved a golden retreiver in heat and gravity). I didn't know some of them had played sports. Since I work around mostly men, you'd think I'd have my fill of sports conversations. But surprisingly, traditional sports aren't usually the subject of conversation (a new Dillon Press, however can take the conversation through both lunch and coffee break).

A lot of men love sports of the non explosive types, and assume that women find men who engage in sports more "manly". Given the amount of long curly hair, earrings and pony tails I've seen on football players on TV lately, I'd probably disagree. But not all women find what some guys think women would find "exciting or sexy" as, well, honestly, either. (I for one would rather have a root canal than watch a basketball game but am a sucker for tractors, shop machinery and the 1911).

But for my male readers interested in sports, who want to know what the average HOTR gal would like in a sporting date, here it is.

Note: If you are dating a HOTR woman who grew up in the 70's and early 80's remember, her only exposure to sports in school was wearing a one piece thigh length gym monkey suit the color of sanitarium walls and dribbling a basketball on the court indoors as to not mess up her hair. You'd best start her out with shooting with sub machine guns, and then slowly work your way into hockey, so as not to alarm her.

Skiing: I've never been skiing. I remember one ski area in the Sierras viewed during a summer hiking trip, that had a cautionary road sign with a cow on it, to alert drivers on their way to the slopes to the free range cattle in the area. I didn't go skiing but someone drew skis and a stocking cap on the cow with a Sharpee.

Application for employment:

Have you or anyone known to you plotted to overthrow the U.S. Government? That would be a no.

Have you ever defaced a State Cow Sign? I didn't inhale.

Skiing's not bad, in and of itself, for falling off the side of a mountain does take a fair amount of grace. But not all women view attaching slippery sticks to her feet and then getting hauled up a mountain on a tiny wire, feet dangling over the abyss, as fun.

Snowmobiling: Less a sport, and more an outdoor "activity" it can be a compromise for those that don't want to go skiing, while still playing in the snow. Most snowmobiles weigh as much as a freight train. Remember that before you attempt an assault on a steep incline with a date on the back that only has SO much forward center of gravity. Additionally, getting "stuck" in a snowdrift is not the same as "oops, I ran out of gas". You are not going to get lucky, you are going to get frostbite.

Bullfighting: Popular in Spain, Portugal and parts of Latin America, it's more of an art form than a sport. But it's part of my background in that Dad has a beautiful wall sized 12 frame panorama of a bullfight, painted in oils, complete with spurting blood, that he bought for his first house with my Mom. She banished it to the garage. After she passed and he remarried, he tried again to hang it in the living room. It's in the garage. That tells you something about women and bullfighting that is probably all that needs to be said.

Racquetball: It doesn't matter what year it is, most people playing racquetball have more wrist and head bands than a Olivia Newton John video. The game consists of hurling a ball against a wall like a kangaroo after espresso shots and swearing. I am not even sure if there is a point system involved.

Golf: If it were any slower it would be farming.

Football: My Dad loves football. He'll watch it all day long if allowed. I've tried, just to keep him company but so far, all I understand of the game is that it is divided into four 15 minute quarters, each of which lasts up to several hours and a dead pig is involved, but no bacon. There's running and a lot of crashing into each other and falling down. That is followed by replays in slow motion of the running, crashing and falling down, seen by every camera available anywhere, including the Hubble telescope and the next door neighbor's "DeerCam". That, then, is followed by 10 commercials featuring large vehicles, beer and women wearing an assortment of fabric band aids covering their essential bits and not much else. At any given time, there are about a dozen players from each team on the field while the other 100 or so players that ran out in the beginning of the game sit on the sidelines, hoist Gatorade and wave at their Mom's, while the coaches pace rapidly up and down the field, looking like they have a live, angry ferret in their pants.

Hockey: My son in law plays. Keep your Stick on the Ice J.

Soccer - Although thousands of kids in the U.S. played on teams (including Brigid, Jr.), professional soccer games in the U.S. seems to draw the fan base of the last airing of Kate Plus 8. It's immensely popular in other countries though, not so much here. The biggest complaint is that it's "slow". So are other sports at times, but they have beer and women with large bosoms, jumping up and down.

Hurling: Hurling is a sport of Celtic origin that involves men without helmets whacking the hell out of things (including each other) with a stick. From a viewpoint of testosterone and impending violence, hurling makes American football like like an episode of Barney the Dinosaur. Don't take a woman to a hurling event if she is squeamish at the sight of blood. I enjoyed it, though had to ask a couple of time "so is that one dead??" After one such game, the men proceeded to go to a pub to drink a concoction of tomato juice, Guinness and Worcestershire sauce. That was probably to replace the blood loss. (Note: Not to be confused with "curling" the world's No. 1 broom related sport.)

Ice Skating: Highly competitive with winners getting medals and losers getting "Snoopy on Ice". It's more fun to watch if you like choreography as much as athleticism. The women are all beautiful and the men can do back flips while wearing 1970's disco shirts.

If you're not into choreography, it can be more fun if you make a drinking game out of it and knock back some Grey Goose every time one of the announcers makes one of the following comments:

"And he NAILS it!"
"What he does, he does very, very well."
"He *just* couldn't hang onto the landing."
"He fell just short of the rotation."
"He's gotta be happy with that program."
"Five or six major flaws, but otherwise an excellent, *excellent* program in anyone's book."

Comments that also fall very nicely under the "that's what she said" category.

Caber Tossing: I don't know of many women who would say no to watching a large Scottish guy in a kilt throw a telephone pole, a sport of more strategy than thinking. But with most contestants being tall, muscular and good looking, you're probably not going to impress if you take her to a Caber Toss, then go home and suggest a game of lawn darts, even if you leave your pants off.

Rugby: Similar to soccer, only in that shorts and a shirt are involved, it involves throwing yourself with courage in front of a large, blood thirsty New Zealander (see bullfighting).

Nascar: Love it or hate it, where else can you get three dozen teams playing on the same field doing 200 mph, with loud engine noise and prayer on national television, all without apology.

Wrestling: Chuck Norris, with the Element of surprise, could take any one of them on a bad day. That's all I'm saying.

Croquet: I don't care how much gin is involved, it's still boring,

Baseball: I went to one professional game. There were hot dogs, fireworks, lots of waving of the American flag and a crowd that was both enthusiastic and well behaved. Plus you'll never see a museum with a "Hall of Pitchers that Threw Like Girls". It's the all American game for a reason, plus unlike soccer, if it has boring parts there's still peanuts, hot dogs and beer.

Those are the only sports I've watched but I have to give you guys a bit of advice. Forget sports, you can't go wrong with a day at the Range. Good weather or bad, for the typical Home on the Range gal, a couple of targets, a few boxes of ammo and a firearm beats a stadium ANY day. Plus if you get lucky and she drops a piping hot piece of brass down her shirt you'll see some jumping up and down and waving that would put any Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader to shame. Then take her home to watch Red Green, where men are men, and the men of Possum Lodge, if not handsome, are at least, handy.

Cheers -


kx59 said...

Hurling is a sport. Huh. Never knew that. I'd always thought of it as the day after event from staying at the bar too long in college.

The Big Guy said...

Nothing on one of the most popular sports in the Frozen North, curling?

C'mon, throwing rocks at each other is fun fun fun.


Old NFO said...

Golf IS good exercise (at least the way "I" play it) Lots of time tramping through woods, streams, etc... Having said that, range time is 'usually' cheaper! :-)

RabidAlien said...

Meh. Chuck Norris could take any one of those pansies before his first morning cup of coffee (which allows the morning the wherewithal to face the awesomeness that is Chuck Norris) with a two-week notice, his eyes shut, and an angry ferret stuffed down his pants. Before breakfast. And without even bothering to tie his shoes.

Rev. Paul said...

Both your Red Green-inspired title & equating golf with farming drew cheers here.

Alison said...

I loved your comments about skiing, which reminded me of the sign I once saw (not while skiing, this girl does not ski) that stated: "Warning - travel beyond this sign may result in loss of skiing privileges and/or death"

I'd certainly agree with your assessment of a proper HOTR date activity, a trip to the range would definitely make me happy, and leave me with happy thoughts towards any gentleman kindly enough to suggest suchlike

Borepatch said...

Curling is awesome because everyone - and I mean everyone, even washed up old fogies like me watch it and say to ourselves, "Yeah, I could be pretty good at that."

Well, we do.

Brighid said...

I play golf... lefthanded...which explains my lifetime memberships in WormBurners of America and the Straight-Up Club...

Island Bob said...

Years ago I watched an Irish hurling match and was telling co-workers about it. One asked if there was any action and I replied "the field is larger than a football field and there is one referee to watch 30 Irishmen with clubs; what do you think?". If you don't understand football, check out the rules for 43-man squamish, a fictional game invented by Mad Magazine back in the 60's or 70's.

Larry said...

The Mustang club takes in at least one Durham Bulls game per season, it's a lot of fun...just don't park next to the stadium if you like your windows.

MO Bro said...

Ahh, a woman after my own heart. Please tell me you have an unspoken for twin that would love to go out shooting in my backyard, range or where ever.
And I love what RabidAlien said!

Brigid said...

MoBro - no twin but one lone female cousin unmarried with a mountain cabin, horses and land out West. Too far to drive for coffee.

Brighid - certainly!

Cond0011 said...

"Golf: If it were any slower it would be farming."

*Perks* Did someone say Farmtown?

john bord said...

To the white mountain, rifle on shoulder, slats strapped on feet, across the white mantle, poles pushing hard, ahead is the target. Puffing up the slope, stopping on the crest, poles planted in the white mantle, rifle drawn to shoulder, target dispatched.

Such is life of the Nordic sportsman.

May the wind be at your back, sails full and the weapon of choice firmly in place, galloping over the waves.

J.R.Shirley said...

Pretty much. I like individual sports...which usually involve people hitting each other.

You left out basketball, where groups of very fit, tall men or women run back and forth, and score a million points.

Rogue Aviation said...

Real sports begin with "The range is hot!", and end with "Cease fire, Cease fire." Everything else is juse live action board games.....

--Matt R.

Roscoe said...

For some reason, soccer works really well here in PDX. When I went back to Tampa a few weeks ago, the rental car agent saw my address and asked about the Timbers Army.

Randy said...

You forgot a couple:

Basketball. A sport where the players must have tattoos and wear shorts that expose the ankles.

Bowling. The only sport where a man as fat as I am is "in shape".

Gymnastics. Washed up at 16 years old.

Tennis. Almost as quiet and polite as golf (at least the fans) and uses a secret scoring system to confuse the uninitiated,

Ajdshootist said...

Ah golf a waste of a good rifle range,with best wishes to all in the
U.S.A. from me over here in the UK.

Jon said...

All good stuff. I'm wondering how "He fell just short of the rotation." becomes a "that's what she said" line. Difficult to visualize.

Jim Dunmyer said...

Heh: I snagged a HOTR gal before there WAS a HOTR. She shares your antipathy towards all those so-called "sports", but enjoys shooting and especially antique tractors.

Damn, I'm lucky!

Mac from Michigan said...

A few more:

Australian Rules football. I couldn't figure out what I was watching, called a sports minded friend. She told me. I asked what are the rules?...she replied she didn't think there are any...

Lacrosse. I guess it's a cousin to hurling. Guys running and bapping each other with sticks.

Water Polo. How bad to you want to drown?

james said...

I haven't watched more than 2 minutes of professional sports in decades. My wife refers to tool and hardware stores as 'my crack shops' and says I'm trying to catch up with Norm Abrams. I've been known to pull over on the shoulder and get out of the car to look at an old tractor while my wife is going "NO! You don't need another one". And I still love 1911's despite having one go full auto on me while in the service.
You have very good taste, but then we all know that.
Take care and have a great holiday.


Stephen said...

There I was, nicely playing along with your meme, till the rugby. BRIGID! Everybody who is anybody knows that rugby is the only true sport. Real men, doing manly things, to impress the assembled vacuous groupies gathered in neat little clusters on the sidelines! And then! How convenient is this?...A nice litte beer swilling get together after the cessation of hostilities, and ALL those compliant groupies are invited. :-)

Mick Havoc said...

The Isle of Man TT

Because all of those other "games" only use one ball

mikelaforge said...

Do you know of this collection of Red Green videos?

Oh - and cricket, simply because it is so incomprehensible.

BobG said...

Never have cared to watch other people play at sports.
Football always seemed strange to me; a bunch of big guys bend over in a circle, then they kick a dead pig across the lawn...