Thursday, December 6, 2012

Road Trip Recap - Dating Point Systems

Love is an Exploding Cigar We Willingly Smoke -

Lynda Barry

Like IDPA, if you ask some women, romance and marriage have their own point system.

Frankly I don't keep track, it's like that whole Weight Watchers thing. My heart goes "kaboop", there's the smell of bacon or gunpowder in the air and I don't think about points.

However, I am also told that having been raised in a very testosterone laden household (all, including Mom, LEO, military, defense or special ops), I don't "think like a girl" .

For example, Partner in Grime and I were recently on the couch discussing a book set deep back in history where women pretty much gave birth, toiled in the house and died too young. I said "I just don't think I would have fit in back then" to which he replied "B., back then you would have been burned at the stake as a witch". 

That actually made me smile.

But today some male buddies were talking about the female "point system", totally in the dark as to why some things they did made their spouses go from all happy and warm and "look my clothes fell off" to a a "fine" and a door slam. "Just what is this whole keeping points thing", they asked.


So, in another installment of HOTR romance tips here is the point system as we know it.

HOUSEHOLD CHORES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the matching useless pillow shams (-1)

You cover the rumpled sheets with that nice tarp you brought Bambi home in so the blood stains will dry out (-100)

SHOPPING

You make a special trip to the store when she's not feeling well and buy her something she needs (+1)

It's a girly product such as white nail polish (+2)

It's nail polish for her to touch up the sights on her 1911 (+5)

It's raining (+10)

You return without the item but with this month's issue of Big Racks. (-10)

It's not a magazine about hunting (-300)

HOME PROTECTION

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and its the wind (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You put a load of buckshot through it (+10)

It's her her yappy little "purse poodle" (-50)

THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with another friend (-2)

Named Trixi (-10)

Trixi is a professional pole dancer (-20)

Trixi is showing you her new implants (-40)

Your woman notices you now have your own pole (-600)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not the flaming chicken wing place or a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it involves flaming chicken wings(-2)

and sports (-3)

And it's all you can eat night (-3)

It's a flaming chicken wing place, it's all you can eat night, your face is painted the colors of your favorite team and the gift you got her is a "We're No. 1" giant foam finger (-200)

DATE NIGHT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Mutant Zombie Hookers" (-8)

You lied and said it was about kittens and starred Julia Roberts (-25)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this make me look fat?" (-5)
Sorry guys - You lose points just by playing

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply "Not as much as what you wore to work today?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she's had a bad day at work, you listen, pour her a glass of wine and give her a hug. (+4)

You listen, through two glasses of wine and whining. (+50)

All while you are missing Top Gear. (+200)

Which you are able to watch if you turn your head just so and pretend to focus on her face as you look past her into the living room, until she catches you. (-200)

So now you know what the point system is. But trust me gentlemen if you find the right woman you won't have to worry so much about that. For in a truly good relationship it's not about points.

But if you own a bacon ranch that's  like +1000 points!

21 comments:

  1. Actually time fixes this for men . . . .

    After 46+ years in relationship, over 40 actually married, there is only one answer to every possible request . . . .

    "Yes Dear!"

    It actually makes the whole relationship process much easier . . .

    :)

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  2. Awesome.

    But this was the best: My heart goes "kaboop", there's the smell of bacon or gunpowder in the air

    Awesome.

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  3. OH . . . OH . . . . one other RULE for guys that they never seem to learn!!

    10 second rule: Keep your mouth SHUT for 10 seconds before you EVER respond to a woman. Run your comment through your mind BEFORE you open your mouth to respond. Then, and ONLY THEN . . . . speak.

    Been trying to teach this to my son, he's close. His Bunn has been with him for 2 years and the engagement is still on! :)

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  4. I honestly don't know why some women make it difficult for men to love them. I do everything I can to make it easy for the J.R. to love me. Relationships are hard work, not magical. But totally worth the effort. Better a faulty love than a perfect loneliness.

    Keeping score is for people who measure out their favor like it was rare and limited. Love is deliriously wonderful even when it's imperfect, out of balance, ho-hum, or hot damn!

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  5. Perhaps I lost some major communications points when I suggested a glass belly button, so she could see where she was going with .....

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  6. There is always, "The Mantra of Domestic Tranquility"
    "yes dear you're absolutely right"

    ReplyDelete
  7. " You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)"

    Remember that frozen garden hose that split in the middle of the night?

    Ha!

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  8. What are these + points you speak of? Do they actually exist outside a lab? The wifey's scale starts at 0 and goes downhill (rapidly) from there.

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  9. Your 'points' system brings up an interesting problem I have been dealing with lately. I don't mind folding clothes...I can do that and watch TV at the same time.

    Lately though, I've been hearing a lot of complaints because I'm having a hard time telling the difference between the 10/12's my wife wears, and the 10/12's my daughter wears. With the amount of stretchiness built into womens clothing, this is much tougher than you would think it would be.

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  10. greg - that's a decent problem to have, wife and daugher being the same size and you noting that.

    If, however, you'd noted that your wife's pants were interchangeable with the Big Agnes Big House 6 3-Season Camping Tent (from backcountryedge.com) YOU would be in serious trouble.

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  11. I love what you said about finding the right woman. No points system there. I think I've made it slightly too easy on my hubby. I'll whine And watch Top Gear with him :)

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  12. I'm sorry , what did you post? I must have missed something while looking at boobs on the internet.

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's all math. You have to know how the points work:

    If P > MV then S
    If S then P = 0

    MV= Mood Variable, which can be 0 to Infinity
    P= points
    S = the reason we accumulate points.

    ReplyDelete
  14. When the question of "Does this outfit make me look fat" comes up, I have observed that answers such as "compared to what?" or "No, I think that it was all the doughnuts" will just get a guy slaughtered. Best answer: fake a seizure and just accept the ambulance bill as the cost of preserving the relationship.

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  15. "Which you are able to watch if you turn your head just so and pretend to focus on her face as you look past her into the living room, until she catches you. (-200)"

    Sooo... How many points do you lose if, while she's lecturing you for looking at the pretty ladies walking by, you continue to watch those same ladies through the reflection in her 'mirror' sunglasses? (True story of the ultimate in bust-age. heh)

    "But if you own a bacon ranch that's like +1000 points!"

    Dose Bacon Ranch Salad dressing count?

    "For in a truly good relationship it's not about points."

    I always thought you were a romantic, Brigid. Points are too hard to keep tally when you're having a good time with someone you love. Besides, it spoils the moment. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have found two ways out:

    She: "Do these pants make me look fat?"
    Me: "Did you hear that noise, it sounds like someone outside!"

    Also effective:
    She: "Do these pants make me look fat?"
    Me: [sound of feet running like a Saturday morning cartoon]

    --Matt

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  17. After 38 years of marriage, and as the preamble of the Constitution goes, 'to ensure domestic tranquility', the secret is to get the last word. And those words should usually be: 'Yes dear', 'whatever you want honey'. Also important is to say the occasional 'you look good' and 'here, have some chocolate'.
    What can I say, I'm housebroken (though it took 10 or so years), and we're both looking forward to another 38 years of marriage.

    Ex-nuke

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  18. "B., back then you would have been burned at the stake as a witch"

    ~~That's good. That's real good. :)


    One of my employees mentioned this morning that she had been cooking with bacon grease. That forced me to have a BLT for lunch. It was all I could think about all morning. Weird how that works.

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  19. Your comments were all better than the post. Thanks for the chuckle after a long week.

    I remember my Mom and Dad celebrating a big anniversary shortly before she died. Someone said "did you ever consider divorce". My Mom laughed and said "murder, yes, divorce no" and both of them laughed SO hard (both were LEO's). I never thought I'd have something like that, and when I did, it was such a lovely surprise.

    Enjoy every minute, every difference, it can be all so fleeting.

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  20. My husband always tells people that he thinks carefully...does he want to be right, or to be happy?

    He usually chooses to be happy.

    Of course, he lucked out, because I will happily watch Top Gear with him.

    And then text my dad the most hilarious quotes of the show.

    ReplyDelete

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