Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Settling In - The Call of the Not So Wild

The night was cold. I dreamt of a wind swept farm field covered in snow. In my dream, a form I could recognize, yet not touch, fire in his hair, fire in his eyes, speaking to me though I could not hear, mouth moving as if to taste, and I woke up. For a moment I don't know where I am, then I look around, smile and go back to sleep.

When I woke again, the neighborhood is hushed. I'm not sure what time it is, as I don't see a clock on the wall or wear a wristwatch. I have one, left to me by my mother, given to me, not so that I remember time, for hers was short, but to forget it. Forget it, as I move out into the world, gathering the wind to propel my journey, not holding my breath to conquer it, the folly of many a philosopher and fool.

The household is quiet, but for my presence, Barkley snoozing in a quiet room somewhere. Outside, the yard is perfect with stillness, the sun glinting between low clouds. No dog tracks, yet, no human or squirrel tracks, only a line of old trees standing with the enduring and ageless patience of static stillness, waiting for something. Perhaps waiting for me to venture out into the rasping cold of a not yet Spring morning.

The neighborhood slumbering. I look out, innumerable shadows on the ground as still as if they had been laid down upon it as stencils, sunlight just a pencil tracing, drawing dark and light. The morning is here, now. Where I came from last night is only a distant memory. Parked out in the back, an obsidian truck, from which I compass forever between these two points, moved by blood, duty and need.

Back behind the trees, the sound of a train dying away to the click of a watch that is not there, running through another day, somewhere far away for now, fire in his eyes, fire in his hair. The sound hangs in the air like punctuation, the clouds curled up above in small catnaps of infinity, only my small form, and perhaps a camera, to capture them. The train moves away, in unshaken pull and balance, consuming inertia itself, its desire only a breath of steam in the cold air.

The light is soft, a blue cold fragility that speaks of shattered thought, not enough light quite yet for photos, no tangible remembrance of the feeling, only words that gather up their own steam, even as they fade away into silence.

The trees along the drive remind me of ones from the woods, where I went out to check on my blind last year. Those woods looked ancient, evergreen trees bearing their load of snow on sagging shoulder, a few trees holding on to to threadbare leaves, gathered around their branches like a shawl.It had been an early snow, masking all the normal markings I would have used to find my way back to the house.

As I went deeper into the woods, I broke off a few small branches, small signs that I was on the right path, even as whole trees had fallen over paths I used to take. As I walked, I think of stories of my grandparents on my Dad's side, who were raised here, from whom my Dad inherited the strength of losses keen, of laughter shared, that he, in turn, shared with us. Tales of strong settlers, who did not so much til the earth as rough it up and render it humbled.

 People stood on these very spots a hundred years ago and smelled the land, and knew as we do, that no matter how much you love it, it is no sheltered world. Thunderstorms rear up and fight isolated battles of rain and hail, along with wind and erosion and fate. All curl up over the land, sometimes depositing richness, sometimes stealing our hearts, sometimes stealing our lives. We give and we take and so does the land

The blind was still there, still secure, so I begin the journey back, looking carefully to make sure I was on the right path, to light and safety. From a distance I could see the warm glow of the house. From the trees I heard the gentle huff of a buck, a greeting, a warning, his breath clouding the air in anticipation of that which he knows that he wants.

I wished I'd had a camera, to capture that, to capture all that I can't see, can't remember, so much here beyond the grasp of anything born or invented. Perhaps I could find words for it, if only silently.

When I make the long drive after my work week, the path will be clear, the way familiar. Still, when I roll in, it will be quite late after a long work day. I will be tired and hungry, anxious for the warmth of home, a little supper. Coming up past the house, large pine trees brush up against the truck as I pull in, back deep behind the house.
The back of the property by the shop is quite dark; for a moment, with the darkness and my weariness I'll hesitate on which way to turn. Then I'll notice the bent branch from my truck as I came in, marking my path. I'll grab my bag, as I hear a familiar greeting, his breath clouding the air.

Our journeys take us many places, but the best ones are those that lead us home.


  1. Brigid
    I have this lovely e mail from a pilot called "round engines rule" which I think you would appreciate if you have not already seen it. Drop me a note to terrapod99 at yahoo and I can send it over. You will be grinning from ear to ear, take it from an old USNish type.

  2. Terrapod -thank you for the kind thought, but I don't give out my email address to people I don't know. If you want to send it as a comment that would be fine, I can print it out.

  3. "Our journeys take us many places, but the best ones are those that lead us home."


  4. MSgtB - and if someone puts a pint of vanilla ice creamer in the freezer, even better.

    BePrepared -thanks for the "off blog" note. Big hug.

  5. You are a balm for my soul Brigid. Thank you.

  6. Ah, Turkish 7.92 x 57 in bandoliers. I wish I'd spent more on that. Probably never see those prices again.

  7. You have the soul of a poet and your words paint pictures. I love reading your posts.

  8. ...Even your snow has color...
    Rich in NC

  9. "I wished I'd had a camera..."


    Your words paint a picture which no mere camera could ever capture.

    I can feel, smell and taste all the things you describe without needing to be there. Truly Ma'am, thou art a warrior poet.

  10. Six - and thanks to you and Angus for the "thanks" board you posted on your blog. I'm glad he is recovering well under the watchful eye of "mom and dad".

    MauserMedic - it was dirt cheap, wouldn't have been THIS month.

    LynneF - thank you. I loved getting a long chat with you on the phone. Let's do it again soon.

    Rich in NC - I just got lucky with the early early morning lighting in that shot. But thank you.

    OldAFSage - again, you have made my day (it was a LONG one) with your kind words.

  11. "Our journeys take us many places, but the best ones are those that lead us home." Indeed.


I started this blog so the child I gave up for adoption could get to know me, and in turn, her children, as well as share stories for a family that lives too far away. So please keep it friendly and kid safe. Posts that are only a link or include an ad for an unknown business automatically to to SPAM..