Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Dogs, Dates, and Dating Disclaimers

Blind dates from hell.  Admit it, you've had one.  In the upcoming Barkley book there is a story of my personal shortest blind date, which fortunately, I can laugh at now.

Tonight, I think I want to laugh again, if only to myself.

 So for you, some Home on the Range Classic Dating Disclaimers.  Feel Free to add your own.

There are good dates and bad ones.  The good ones hold in close and smile. But the bad ones? The statute of limitations has run out on some of those.

Dates from Hell. We've all had one, or will. My worst was a fellow that came over for a fancy dinner I cooked, then proceeded to pull out a little hand held video game and play it for an hour, totally ignoring me on the couch next to him. I finally said "uh, what are you doing? and he said "I'm getting so and so to the next level!"

He did NOT get to the next level.

When I was just a pup, one of the mechanics that worked on the airplanes I trained in, asked out a lady that was on the city council. She was attractive, liberal and well dressed. He liked the attractive part enough to ignore that they might not have a lot in common. They went to dinner, and did not have anything in common, so he just told her he enjoyed meeting her and they could remain friends but there wouldn't be a second date. She seemed to take that well and thanked him for the friendship.

 That night he started getting phone calls from different people with different voices, but not QUITE different, telling him what a jerk he was and how wonderful this lady was and he should see her again.  It turns out his date had multiple personalities and all of them started to stalk him. He said the one named "Oscar" creeped him out the most. He ended up moving and changing his phone number. She was probably elected to Congress.

But still, we  open ourselves up there in the dating world, which can be a wonderful adventure, or simply that giant rock rolling down the hill at you.

Love can make us do things we normally wouldn't consider. It can lead to a buddy asking a vegan to go turkey hunting, only to have the girl jump up at the first sight of a trio of young jakes yelling "Run Mr. Turkey, Run for your Life!" It made one young lady from a friends workplace, flushed with happy anticipation of her first night with her long time crush, spend $100 for a top of the line push up bra and matching panties. Love made her glad she did, disappointment made her set her new lingerie on fire. In his office. During a meeting with his biggest client.
Chasing it was more fun than catching it.

But we still get out there, we get our hearts ripped out, stomped on and set on fire and eventually we put on our brave faces and get back to living, and if we're lucky, find someone special we can laugh with.

So, for those of you new to the dating scene, stuck in it or getting back into it, here is some HOTR Dating Disclaimers.

Disclaimer: Dating is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. All models over 18 years of age. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. No other warranty expressed or implied. No dogs or horses. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice.

Terms subject to change without notice.  Times approximate. Simulated picture. Do not attempt to put in pants.  Don't try in your living room, these are trained professionals.. Use only as directed  Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement

May contain nuts.

One size fits all. Edited for television. Keep cool, process promptly. Return to sender. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Add toner. Your canceled check is your receipt. Sanitized for your protection. Sign here without admitting guilt. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Not actual size.

You must be present to win.
Approved for veterans. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. Reproduction strictly prohibited. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. No user serviceable parts installed.

You must be this tall to ride the ride.
No transfers issued until the ride comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. For external use only. Tumble dry on low heat. Do not spindle, fold or mutilate.

Safety goggles may be required during use.

Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. Action figures sold separately. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. Substantial  penalty for early withdrawal
Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Slippery when wet.
Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball!

Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, pestilence or projectile (including but not limited to bullets, arrows, BB's, lasers, sharks with frikin lasers, shrapnel, torpedoes rock/paper/scissors, and Alpha, Beta or Gamma rays), neglect, incorrect line voltage, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to vehicular accident or snake bite. Detonation of nuclear weapons will void this policy. Other restrictions may apply.

Lastly, for those of us who are no longer youngsters.

Contents may have settled.


  1. Wow, I had almost put dating out of my mind, I like being married a lot more than dating. I would compare it to walking across a cow pasture in the dark, best case you get to the other side though it might not be pretty.

  2. Love the Barkley pictures LOL. Really giggled at this one "Slightly higher west of the Rockies." Yep, that about sums it up. Also seems that life has become more disclaimers listings than approvals listed. Or else they're just easier to spot, heh. There aren't many things I hate to do in life, but dating is at the top of that short list. Cleaning bathrooms comes in a close second.

  3. I was so happy to find my wife. Too many physio women out their.

  4. Yeah, the only blind date I ever went on was set up by the younger sister of a friend when I was 25. The young lady was 18, just out of high school, and I was 4 years post college degree. She worked at the Dairy Queen at the next little town south of the city - the one with only one traffic light. I had an office job. Sweet kid, but had no opinions about anything. I can carry on a conversation with just about anybody, but they have to have at least some input!

    There was no second date.

    Maybe seven years later, I was married, and my wife and I stopped in at the DQ in that little one-stoplight town, on the way back from a fishing trip, I think.

    Yep, you guessed it. She was still working there. No ambition to change her situation. It's been 20+ years since then. Wouldn't be surprised if she's still there to this day.

  5. I was in my twenties and had a date with a lovely lass. Arrived at her apartment and was invited in. Then her phone rang in another room. Thirty minutes later, she was still on the phone. From what I could overhear, it was just girl talk with a friend. After thirty minutes, I got up and left.

  6. My friend set me up with a blind date once. He brought a bottle of scotch and proceeded to start drinking. We were going to have dinner in my home. Spaghetti I think it was. Anyway...
    I had been reading J.R. Tolken's hobbit series. We were sitting on the couch and drinking scotch and all the sudden I started laughing. He had hobbit ears. And the hair in his ears was enough to make me laugh even harder. My roommates were home too and while I was in the kitchen my room mate (who was guilty of setting me up with this guy) I told her to go look at his ears and all the sudden she busted out laughing too. Of course the guy was wanting to know what the joke was. I didn't have an answer for him. About that time he got a phone call and said he had to leave.
    I never saw him again. (I guess you had to be there)
    That was the first and last time I let her set me up.

  7. I once had a movie date who arrived with her girlfriend (as in sapphic sense of the word) in tow.


    I caught on pretty quickly that the duo were screening genetic material donors for a child.

    Seriously, guys, that situation isn't cool or, in Bro speak, Legend ... wait for it ... ary.

  8. Great post. Loved all the disclaimers.

  9. You owe me a keyboard, brat.

  10. LOL, thanks I needed a laugh today!!!

  11. This reminded me, I've got an ex-girlfriend coming back to the states to visit me and my family in a few weeks and some of her other friends that still live in the area. But. She's already planned to stay with me. Even though our contact was the occasional letter and now its a short chat on facebook every so often. Haven't seen her in 12 years, haven't been together for over 15 years. We were only together for 2 months before she broke up with me. Ahh, high school romance....seriously WTF?

    Apparently I made an impression because she seems really excited about coming back. Before anyone asks...No, I don't know how that happened. But I'm excited about it too, also really glad I'm still single and don't have to try and explain it to anyone.

  12. Only one blind date ever - freshman year of college - and I was guilty of setting it up. Nearly too weird to recollect in detail, let alone describe.

    Have been blessed to just pass our 44th wedding anniversary with a terrific girl I met in high school as a friend and married just a few years later.

    But I absolutely loved reading your tales and disclaimers. The Barkley pictures are also great.

    Let's not beat around the bush though, eh? She did get elected and we all know from which State and even her name. Couldn't he have taken one for the team? *Sigh*


  13. Dating was long, long time ago, and is (mostly) no longer in mind.

    The Barkley photos are priceless, though. The train wreck shot is a classic!

  14. LOL... It isn't easy being in the granny dating club!


  15. > He said the one named "Oscar"
    > creeped him out the most.

    Now if only your friend had been named Felix...

    Nelson Algren could be a wise man sometimes. "Never lay down with someone whose troubles are worse than your own." Especially when that describes more than one of her multiple personalities!

    This article and some of the replies make me glad that I never had an actual blind date, though on a few occasions, when I was already at a social event, someone would none too subtly steer me toward another guest and think of something urgent on the far side of the room. The usual result is probably similar, i.e., just enough awkward conversation to ascertain that unattached status and being acquainted with a well-meaning busybody were among the important things we had in common.

    Of course, I was eventually introduced to someone with great and lasting success, but my now mother-in-law, who did the deed, still maintains that it wasn't on purpose...

  16. I have actually never had a blind date. I trust so little in the world that this was a chance I was never willing to take. However, I have had some dates from hell with men I actually got to know first and selected carefully, so go figure ! Even being a little discerning doesn't always work. At least I sidestepped the serial killers !
    It's always good to see candids of that wonderful Barkley. I'll bet he was always a fabulous judge of character !

  17. Hi everyone, day started at 4 am. so forgive any typos :-)

    Sunnybrook Farm - I LOVED the car photos you took. Folks, if you love old cars, even rusty ones, Sunnybrook has the coolest post up today.

    naturegirl - dating, bathrooms and sewing hems Those are on my short list.

    Rob - You have a fine, honorable wife with the strength to weather what life throws at you, as a team. You are a lucky man

    PPPP - I know, I see folks I went to high school with that went to work for the grocery store as checkers, still there 30 some years later They just look tired, and most don't recognize me without the nerd glasses and braces.

    Well Seasoned Fool - you did the right thing. She's probably still on the phone.

    Sci Fi - oh, girl, you had me laughing so hard. How do you be polite and NOT laugh.

    Roscoe - I had a date once,in your location with a very dashing helicopter pilot, who asked me out to the envy (pickings were slim at the airportI think) ot the other pilots He took me to a gay restaurant where we dined among a number of wonderfully attired male couples. I first thought he just selected the restaurant for the food until he dropped me off, just as my roomie cameout of the shower naked,and he didn't even blink. I was just show, for the guys. But he had a good heart, and I played along

    Chip - :-)

    Skip - my work here is done!

    Old NFO - watch out for the snakes!

    JRebel - I hope it turns out to be a lovely visit, she would do well, to have you as a friend.

    garlicguy - ha!! Thanks, as always, for stopping.

    Rev Paul - when the book is to be published, I'm going to do a blog site with just the book info, and photos and some of the short bits that aren't in the book, but are on the blog. I am so glad I took so many photos.

    Brighid - you rolled up to my house the first time I met you, a stunning blond in a big truck. That doesn't exactly scream out "granny". Every male member of my family would like to marry you (and not just because you brought wine).

    Ad absurdum -I so love your stories!

    Jane of Virginia - the best relationships start as just friends, the rest works itself out.

  18. My date took place back in Florida over 20 years ago. The really strange epilogue to the story is that, about a year later, I saw the girl's father profiled on 20/20 for his history of medical malpractice. He was, at the time, one of the area's most prominent [specialty omitted] surgeons.

  19. Great writing as usual, and some good photos of the late great Barkley that I don't remember seeing. The disclaimers were great entertainment, but you missed my favorite (quite possibly because I was reading too fast). Several years ago- OK, decades ago, when prescription drugs were first being mass advertised, On e had this in amongst its lengthy list of potential side effects: "May cause anal seepage."
    In the words of another Infamous Blogger, "Gigglesnort!"

  20. Not a blind date, but close to a date from hell. I was out with my first love one evening. She had very strict parents and in spite of her age, had an 11:00pm curfew. We were out and just enjoying each other's company, talking, walking the beach and time just slipped away. I got her home a little past 2:00 am and noticed that all the lights were off in her home. Did we get away with it?? We stood there talking quietly and I casually leaned against the wall next to her door...right on the doorbell! Busted!!


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