Sunday, January 4, 2015

Lessons From the Road

When the visibility is down around a quarter of a mile, that truck in front of you looks no larger than a spool of thread, until its brake lights come on, and then it looks enormous.  With several inches of snow,  and more coming down, it looked so peaceful out there, everything blanked in white, the surface as innocent and smooth of surface as so much cream.  It's  not a good day for travel but I don't really have a choice,  as under the hood, the engine of a truck rumbles with threat and promise both.

Big Bro taught me how to drive, but what I remember most was his teaching me how to drive in the snow.  We'd take the little VW Bug I had over to the empty high school parking lot  where there were no people or light poles.  There I learned all about braking, sliding, skidding, and the physics of stopping with a stalemate of snow and rubber.  He'd teach me to recognize a skid, how to  immediately pick out a distant visual target and keep my eyes focused on that target, while I steered out of it as he issued commands to keep me pointed in the right direction like a border collie directs cattle, his tone fast and quick and light, words darting in and out of my field of vision.
As I relaxed into well practiced maneuvers,  I simply listened to him talk, about things that angered him, things he wished he could change as he got older, what was right with the world, and what he could to do preserve those things.  And I quietly listened, there amidst snow flying as if from a blower and donuts formed of chewed rubber, circles as identical and monotonous as milestones.

I put his teachings to test on hill and valley, letting that little car run  like it was a little horse, leaning forward with a yell as we got into fourth gear, as if by doing so I could somehow outpace it as we both fled the sheer inertia of earth.  That car and I  ran free of the fence lines, free of ourselves, racing with a quality of movement in our motion totally separate from the imaginary  pound of hooves or the whoop of joy as I discovered flight in four wheeled form. I put mile after mile on that car, the land stretching out until only darkness stopped me, the heavy scent of pines laying across the road for my trusty stead to disperse, as if the scent were tangled skeins of smoke.

I also knew when to rein it in, slowing it down on slippery turns, downshifting through those sharp corners that are judgement and sentence and execution.  I knew to stay behind the clusters of bright shiny cars, artificial flowers to which the restless bees of the law would be drawn. I  also knew when to drive away, coasting out of a driveway when I arrived at a high school crush's to find him with someone else,  that long slow tearing that leaves no scar of tire, but only an internal lament that is the tearing of raw silk.
Those lessons saved me more than once, when the car slid towards a embankment late one night, that dark space where your shadow waits for your death, only to recover and continue on.  You've all likely been there as well.  It happens so fast, one minute you're staring bored at the speedometer and the next you're snatched out of your lane in a torrent of rubber and refinanced steel, other vehicles around scattering like rabbits suddenly looking for their warren. 

When that happens you  don't even know what the cause -  speed, black ice, or the force of mother nature that's as distant to indictment as God.  All you know is for a moment, your  useless hands were clasped tight to a useless steering wheel, and by only muscle memory, you try and keep the pointy end forward, the headlights revealing not your safety, but the now empty roads' abiding, unmitigable denial.  When you finally stop, all you can hear is your heart and the tick of a watch, that curved turmoil of faltering light and shadow  in mathematical miniature, reminding you how close you came to running out of time.
Such moments are the reason my last little car was traded in for the Bat Truck, though in city traffic it's about as maneuverable as a dirigible. But I don't mind.  I know about weather and idiot drivers.  But I also know about fate.  For fate waits, needing neither patience nor appetite, for yesterday, today and tomorrow are its own.  For fate I'll arm myself, as I look down on a Smart Car that's scooting along the slick road  between semi's like a lone circus peanut among a herd of stampeding elephants.

I hear Big Bro's  voice in my head on these drives, echoes of the phone calls we make to each other there in his last days.  Sometimes he just wanted to a bit, everything he'd worked for now  at risk, due to decisions made by others for political gain, his defense job gone, his military retirement cut, his health and the insurance that guarded it, turned into a house of cards foundationed on an abyss.  But I let him talk without interruption, for one thing he taught me, other than slips and skids, was that there are things we should never stop refusing to accept, be it injustice and dishonor and outrage, not for cash for a better car, not for accolades, not for anything, there are things one must continue to be outraged over, to fight for, hands firmly on the wheel of where you want your life to go. His words in my ears to this day, you will have regrets but never let yourself be shamed.
So many words of his as I drive along, words of not just wheels, but commitment to something bigger than us both.  They are words that got me to change course when I lost direction, words that helped me, as well, take on a mantle of duty  I've never regretted, words that like a long climb up a rocky road, were stepping stones of atonement.  All of them, words I'll remember long after he is gone, words that I've handled so long the edges are worn smooth, words I keep alive.

 "focus on the target,  you can do this. . ."


  1. Sounds like he was an excellent teacher. Oh yes, and he knew a bit about driving, too.

  2. Yep, he'd been there, done that! AND he passed his experience along!


I started this blog so the child I gave up for adoption could get to know me, and in turn, her children, as well as share stories for a family that lives too far away. So please keep it friendly and kid safe. Posts that are only a link or include an ad for an unknown business automatically to to SPAM..