Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Ultimate Final Exam

Back in University days, there was this humorous "ultimate final exam" floating around.  Many of you will remember the one challenge - "You will find a piano under your seat that I posted sometime last year.  It dealt with emergency situations and self reliance as well as just flat out "you are so toast on this one".  It's still floating around the web but I see that it hasn't been updated for a long time. I figured it was about time for one that mirrored current situations.

Ultimate Final Exam - Home on the Range 2015 edition
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - eight hours. Begin immediately.

On your desk is a box of Crayons and a sheet of paper.  Recreate the Mona Lisa.  No smiling. Note that the crayon  color "flesh" from your childhood has been renamed as apparently that was politically incorrect. Even the orange one couldn't be named "what happened when I used Q-T once in the seventies".
Agricultural Science:

Create a process to crossbreed Texas Longhorn and Charolois cattle.  In the back room, you will find a cranky female Longhorm and artificial insemination equipment.  Document your findings regarding resultant lineback color patterns, composite qualities, expected muscle mass of offspring and the impact on raising in parasite infected areas if you are able to write with the bandages.

You have a product and service that is unrivaled in the current market place and can be distributed at greater savings than competitors. Write a business model to sell off the assets of the organization with the least impact on capital gains after the contract was awarded to a minority business with no actual production experience.

Explain how the use of fossil fuels to convert corn to burnable fuel saves fossil fuel.  You will find a bushel of corn and a car with 1/4 tank of  e-85.  The answer is in a classroom 6o miles away.  You are not allowed to refuel.
Computer Science

You have an ancient computer equipped with MS-DOS. Call the help desk that is now in India and tell them the screen is blue and you wish to change the color

Explain why there is no "I" in team, but there is "me" if you rearrange the letters.  Be prepared to defend your position and make sure everyone gets their award.

Document three historical instances of technological reversals in semi-isolated societies, not including the Torres Islanders and Dorsek Eskimos.  Describe the impact on the use of weaponry such as the bow and arrow and whether anti-bow and arrow tribesmen contributed to the loss of such technologies and subsequent loss of life and/or livelihood.


Compose an epic sonnet based on all that you achieved in your first 18 years of life in which you use the writing style of William Butler Yeats.  Tweet it to 10,000 strangers.    No sentence may end in "Nantucket".

Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following:

your dryer eats your socks on a regular basis
beauty is in the eye of the beholder
long term public assistance encourages people to seek employment
the sky is infinite

Now disprove all of the above;

On the table you will find a Wilson Combat Tactical AR15, a box of  .223 ammo and a can of spray cheese.  In 5 minutes several hungry and rabid Honey Badgers will be released into the room.  You are in Cook County, Illinois.
Medicine -

You have a link to the Obamacare website.  Get  health insurance.  You have 1 hour.

Write an opera for alto and soprano using the lyrics of any album by rapper Lil Wayne  Explain how this is music.

Explain why Islam is the religion of peace.  Students are not allowed to frame an answer in Judeo-Christian language or comparative reference as such discussion is not appropriate in a state run classroom.

Write 500 words regarding analytic philosophy as reflected in the works of Monty Python.(Nudge Nudge, Think Think).  If you say "who is Monty Python?" do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Political Science 

Explain why Hillary Clinton was elected Senator of New York.  You have 20 minutes which is 10 more minutes than you had with the rabid Honey Badgers.

In the Twilight Series, Edward Cullen is a 100 year old Vampire with a perfect body and perfect hair, who can run. jump and fight in a supernatural way. Plus he sparkles. Please explain in psychological terms, whether his wish to attend high school in Forks, Washington  (population about 3,000)  is based on anticipatory coping or a fixation on females with an apparently improper functioning amygdala. Extra credit for algorithms or Edward and Bella hand puppets.

Create a life form that can survive without food or water.  Document any useful purpose of such creature, either companionship/service animal, medical research,  food source or benefit to society.  If none is found, have it declared endangered and vacate the learning institution immediately with your can of spray cheese.  Your exam is now over.


  1. Computer Science

    You are an Indian development manager whose team has just signed off on completion of a server process for a large American telephone company's cable TV operation. A six month project.

    Running on the fastest Windows server hardware available and written in a state-of-the art programming language from Microsoft, the process runs in 8 hours -- a staggering accomplishment in your opinion.

    The American engineer's prototype, running on a circa-1998 laptop and written over a weekend in a programming language favored by amateurs, produces identical output in 4 minutes.

    What is the value added by the end result of your development team's efforts? What shortcuts did the lazy, overpaid American engineer take?

  2. Corn is burnable just the way it is.
    I bought my Texas Longhorn bull from a man who believed
    that beating the he__ out an animal was proof that he was
    the superior being.
    There was a reason the cow was "cranky".
    The bulls name was Rosebud and he was a sweetheart.

  3. I cannot say Nantucket without rhyming it.
    I am not proud of that.

    1. I worked in a steel melting factory for 35 years. I have not heard a clean joke since high school. My only regret is that I can't tell any of them.

  4. To further complicate the marksmanship item I will point out that it is illegal to kill a badger anywhere in the state of Illinois.
    I forget the legal status of having an AR in Cook County as I don't plan to take mine anywhere near there.

    1. BADGERS?
      We don' need no stinking badgers!


  5. Ummm... Can I just build the bridge to Hawaii??? :-)

  6. Oak in sunlight is a beautiful thing, as are machinest tools in sunlight.
    Abby Normmal in sunlight is beautifuller.
    I think I missed the Epistemology question, was there one?

  7. The first time I saw "Final Exam", it was mimeographed (early 70's?).

    My favorite was: Medicine: "Under your seat you will find a roll of Scotch tape, a razor blade, a bottle of Scotch, and one piece of gauze. Remove your own appendix. " (Well, something like that.)

    The one you added had me in stitches! Obamacare!! Forsooth!

    Cap'n Jan


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