Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Are You a Home on the Range Chef?

On weekends there is always activity in the Range kitchen, experimenting, baking or just laughing with my Partner in Grime while we try something new, between tearing our walls and floors.  No one ever taught me to cook, I just learned a bit by watching Mom, and I read cookbooks.  A cookbook is just like a Aircraft Operating Manual.  If you follow the directions and stay pointy end forward you usually have a successful mission.  But over time, I realized my cooking style had sort of evolved, to what friends call HOTR cooking.

 How do you know if you are a HOTR Chef?  Take our simple quiz.

1.  Your apron looks like.


2.  You are served a bowl of vanilla/bacon ice cream.  You:

a.  jump up and shout "Bacon Ice Cream!  It's a crime against nature!" and look for plain yogurt.
b.  mutter nervously, prod it with your spoon and ask "is that BACON?"
c.  wonder if this would make a better ice cream sandwich with Devils Food or molasses cookies.

3.  Last nights dinner came from:

a.  a bio-sustainable farm where the crops are sown according to the phase of the moon and the tofu is slaughtered to the soothing melodies of Yani while being massaged with aromatherapy oils.
b.  a gas station.
c.  the land behind your house.

4.  Which of these foods can blow up?

a.  popcorn
b.  popovers
c.  gravy

5.  You join Weight Watchers to lose 10 pounds before that special party.  The first food you look up to see how many "points" it has is:

1.  an apple.
2.  a 100 calorie pack of crackers.
3.  bacon wrapped lamb shank with bacon garlic smashed potatoes.

6.  Which root vegetable is not put into mirepoix?
a.  carrot
b.  potato
c.  Slim Jim

7.  What is chipotle?

a.  a popular chain restaurant that makes burritos the size of a raccoon
b.  a cross between a chihuahua and poodle
c.  a smoke dried jalapeno pepper

8.  You have a whisk in your bug out kit.

a.  What's a whisk?
b.  false
c.  true

9. Your spice cabinet is organized in:

a.  newest in the front.
b.  alphabetical.
c.  binary.

10.  You've cooked dinner with:

a.  liquid nitrogen.
b.  an acetylene torch.
c.  a Bunsen burner.

11. The way to a man's heart is thru his stomach?

a.  false
b.  true
c.  girlfriend, you need an updated diagram.

Honey - can you whip up some liquid nitrogen?

12.  Frozen Swanson pot pies are good for:

a.  a quick and easy dinner.
b.  door stops.
c.  replacements for bowling pins at the pistol match.

13.  Your cooking style is:

a.  Martha Stewart
b.  Julia Child
c.  Alton Brown meets Red Green

14.  The menu at the Cajun place says "blackened on request".  You respond

a.  I've got an envie for some blackened fish!
b.  Huh?
c.  Heck, I can do THAT at home

15.  You like making popovers because:

a.  They're  warm and filling
b.  They impress guests
c.  It's like making your own personal edible steam engine!
16. You wish Pillsbury had a can that popped out an inexpensive "Poppin' Fresh":

a.  donuts
b.  muffin
c.  biscuit
d.  1911

17.  You know the difference between:

a.  a steak and tofu
b.  a bag of flour and a bottle of juice
c.  solid foams, gels, sols and suspensions

If you answered mostly "c's" and "d's" you are well on your way to being a HOTR cook.  To know for sure, ask yourself this final question. . .

Have you ever made a foot long hot dog with two regular dogs and a long piece of bacon to wrap it with?


  1. Whisk in the bug out bag?! We have an entire suitcase dedicated to cooking utensils and edibles that may not be available when on the road. We always find one of those "we were here" cards from the TSA when we open it. Must be the knives or maybe the bags of almond powder that probably looks like C4 in the scanner.

  2. 'Have you ever made a foot long hot dog with two regular dogs and a long piece of bacon to wrap it with?'
    YOU BET!


  3. Red is on tour this Spring/Summer.


    My "Check Engine" light is currently on with the OBD code P0128. I gotta quit using the engine temperature probe to cook the turkey.

  4. No, I use 2 pieces of bacon to connect hotdogs.


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