Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Evening Thoughts

Evenings for most people is a time to relax.  Perhaps a restaurant meal, time with friends. For some it's a noisy bar, laughter and ringing sound. I'm all for some fun on Saturdays or Sunday afternoon but on week nights I just want to decompress. No phone, no noise. Just a nice home made meal and a book and a comfy bed to curl up in.

There's been lot of speculation in the comments about what exactly I do during the week. My favorite was "Medical Examiner, Personal Protection and Contract Killer."

It's probably a lot more boring than you think 90% of the time, but I can tell you it's sensitive enough I'd best not talk about it. I can say simply that it pays very well and that I have a Dr. in front of my name, but it's not a "Dr. your patient is here" kind of doctor and I wouldn't know what to do with the living most of the time. My job has many hats, some fun for an adventuresome sort, and some simply involving yellow AND red tape and piles of paper.
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Potential disaster, death and terror. Not typical dinner subjects, yet ones that often come up in my social group. People who spend part of their time dealing with the mechanisms of disaster gravitate towards people who, like us, have a job that sometimes consists of nothing more than waiting for someone to have a really bad day. I worry about fate less; yes sometimes you are simply the bug on the windshield by being at the wrong place at the right time but I've also found that a good portion of our misfortunes arise, not from fate or ill health or the vagrancies of the winds, but from human rancor, fueled by innate stupidity, and those ever present justifications of the same, hell bent idealism and proselytizing mania for the sake of religious or political effigies. I'm required to be dispassionate and get into a routine. Empathy is a great quality in a person, but so is efficacy.
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Like others who do what I do, I've seen a lot, learning the hard way that there is danger and dangerous souls in the world and I'm not one to shy away from it because maybe I can do something about it. It's not a glamorous job, but for me there is hope in it, there is order. I've never had the sense of clockwork conspiracies, or some kind of imposing order of evil. There's simply a sense of things falling apart. That's my sense of how most bad things happen, that it's not usually some kind of calculated evil engineered by fate, but simple human control disintegrating. Most times, things fall apart and happen out of simple stupidity and carelessness.  But then sometimes you throw evil in the mix and you have a completely new ball game, in which the normal rules of play mean nothing.
So such times and such events carry with it a load and nights like tonight, I simply wish to be alone for a few hours, to savor that which affirms that I am alive. - Brigid