Monday, July 18, 2016

That Show Should Be a Crime

Mom!  Mom!  Animal Planet is on!

I watch very little TV, some Discovery Channel,  Mythbusters, Top Gear, Firefly, Castle, Dr. Who, Corner Gas, all on tape as I don't have a TV or cable (getting cheap tapes and watching on the big computer monitor is a lot cheaper than a flat screen and cable).  Mostly I'll join Abby the lab on the couch and watch an action movie with my husband and have fun making fun of some of the technology-

Because I'm the second generation in a law enforcement field, the weapons in the shows ARE fair game and my husband just sits there quietly and chuckles as I pick apart the errors.

Picture the scene, a Sniper setting up on a hill to take out his target.

"The Gun is totally disassembled?"

"The scope is completely off of it, WT. . . ."

"No Free Floating Barrel?"

9 MM. " 9 MM?????"

Then, later on, towards the end.

"Why do all the bad guy guards have short barrelled AR15's? They're going to make so much noise that every cop in the county will be here to arrest all the now deaf people".

"Oh come on! M203 doesn't work that way!!"
There's probably a reason guys, including my husband, never took me to the theater while dating . I almost got thrown out at the last one when a gal friend took me to Twilight and every time the bad CGI werewolves in wolf form talked like humans I'd exclaim like the dog in the Bush Bean commercial  "Roll that Beautiful Bean Footage!

But with the Ph.D., I also have to make fun of the science in the shows.  So once in a while I just can't resist and  I will watch some CSI type shows on tape when my husband is on the road.

It's more entertaining than most of the TV shows out there now, so removed from actual reality that they hardly bear watching. The original CSI Vegas though I actually liked, shelving most of the science and just watching the interactions between the characters which were well acted and crafted. But the spin offs were sometimes painful to watch..

Opening Scene -Young party girl in the New York subway has her face suddenly start to melt while vomiting blood.

In the distant city, Mac the steely eyed investigator, to his date: "sorry" (damn, my beeper went off at the opera. . . AGAIN).

Here comes the CSI Team, back from their night on the town, arriving in terribly expensive fashion wear, from their homes or dates, with all the traffic, in minutes.

Mac (entering the scene with no gloves, no mask, no eye protection, as he bends closely over someone that looks like a sleeping supermodel, except with lots of blood splashed on her and the melted face.

"Detective Angel, What have we got ?"

Detective Angel, (Victoria's Secret Model in tight pants and a skin tight low cut sparkly t-shirt under her suit jacket) "Looks like a Chemical or a Biological ! ! "

Female CSI assigned to the scene: "Oh Happy Birthday Mac!" (giggle, giggle, blush stare at ground, forget to work the scene)

Mac smiles and pokes closely at the body again, steely eyes glinting since he's not wearing any eye protection.

Mac: looking closely:" hmmm. . . doesn't look like small pox or anthrax"

(Time to look a little closer and poke in the blood spatter to make sure it's not something you can GET from exposure to blood spatter)
From XKCD - click to enlarge

Dr. H.: "No pruritic macular or papular rash" (Good thing, as that might be Ebola or Cutaneous Anthrax, which means you're standing in the minefield.)

Mac: "So no hemorrhagic fever!" ( Wow Mac, you diagnosed with just that steely glance. You didn't even have to isolate the virus from the patients blood and have acute serum samples inoculated into tissue cultures of mosquito cells or directly into live Toxorhynchites or Aedes mosquitoes or try a Immunodiagnostic method such as detection of anti-dengue IgM and IgG by enzyme-linked immunosorbent assay (ELISA) and detection of hemagglutination inhibition antibody. Good job Mac, you'll have this solved before the hour is up!)

Pretty girl in a $700 outfit playing with something that I swear is an Etch a Sketch: "It's OK now! This subway tested negative for all hazmat and biologicals!"

Mac: " great!"

Watching any more would have made me laugh so hard I'd spill my beer. Besides they'll have their DNA evidence in oh, like 10 minutes.
Forensic Science Dog will hold the deaded pose until you get the chalk outline drawn.

TV is fantasy, what remains of a life is seldom so pretty. If you don't suit up properly, to protect yourself from elements, the terrain, or a hoard of nasty biologicals, you will likely join them on the next table. But then again the TV scientists never discovered that if you have a linoleum floor, some chalk, and liquid nitrogen you can make little hovercraft. . .


  1. After surviving the shooting (at this point, it isn't a spoiler), Gibbs took to $1500 suits on "NCIS" last season.

    "Silicon Valley" on HBO manages to get the computer science mostly right, but many shows don't even try since the average geek's PC desktop is about as interesting as drying paint. And, yes, (1) "Spaces vs. Tabs" really is a thing as is (2) "Emacs vs. Vi".

    Me: Former on (1), latter on (2).

    1. We don't have a TV (except a small one with a foof antenna to get the tornado updates in the basement if the phone is upstairs when one hits. We mostly stream or get boxed sets. I do remember one day I went to a pilot friends house. His next door neighbor pirates a TON of movies illegally, making them for all the neighbors. I showed up in an FBI hat, I just snagged off the collection of hats of assorted organizations and agencies and universities and he about wet his pants.

    2. My personal ethical line precludes material I can get easily on the cheap via Netflix or Redbox.

      I don't watch as much TV as you probably think, especially with teaching responsibilities over the last year.

      BTW, every time I see an FBI hat, the great Dennis Farina line from "Out of Sight" pops into my head.

      "Hey Ray, do you ever wear one that says 'undercover'?"

  2. Yep. Watching any CSI derivitive with you is like watching Mythbusters with Mr B.....

    1. Not as much fun as making fun of the Peter Frances Geraci attorney commercials on the Chicago channel :-)

  3. Have there been any professions that hollywood portrays accurately?
    I know that they have to have some license, but at times they are so blatant it makes watching boring.
    Or wishing that Tom, Crow and Joel were commenting.

    1. I would love MST3K to do a take on a modern action film!

    2. I'e seen that! Remember Hercules Against the Moon Men? Bad Cinema at it's finest, though every time the pairs of Roman soldiers entered the scene Joel, Crow or Gizmo would go "Pizza Pizza!', just like the Little Caesars commercials.

    3. "My name is Janice and I'm a wasp juice-aholic."

      Svengoolie actually played that one straight recently with brief gags and trivia only at the commercial breaks. Kinda odd to see "The Wasp Woman" without Joel and the bots.

  4. Science and TV shows don't really mix... :-)

  5. Top Gun never sat quite right with me. Inverted over the top of another aircraft canopy to canopy? C'mon...Vertical stabs anyone? I suspect that's the same for most professions. You guffaw at the stuff you're expert in, and are enthralled with the rest. I think most of your readers have come to realize that and that's why you (and I) don't watch much live TV anymore. But..."Highway to the Danger Zone" was my preflight earworm.
    Just say'in.

    1. juvat - one of my copilots was a film major. He got a copy of Top Gun and right at the begiining of the love scene when they first kissed he sliced in a bit of X rated material, then panned back to the movie when the two starts were back dressed. That made the rounds, I'm sure, and though I never saw it, I'm sure it was probably pretty hilarious.

  6. [Savage Chicken]

    One of the nostalgia channels picked up the long-unavailable "Hill Street Blues" and darned if there wasn't a very young David Caruso, in a recurring minor part as the leader of one of their somewhat excessively "Warriors"-esque gangs.

    You can understand what he is saying and he doesn't wear sunglasses, so it may take a while to recognize him.

    (Not having seen it in 30-some years, I was more impressed by how well the show has aged. Marvelous ensemble chemistry, of course, but also a lot of still very timely vignettes about community relations and high-stress, low-information tactical decisionmaking and often-unfortunate combinations thereof.)

  7. > TV is fantasy, what remains of a life is seldom so pretty <

    I've been thinking about this article for a few days. As a relative enlists our help dealing with the home and belongings she shared with her late husband, I remembered how much he loved "JAG" despite being a retired judge -- or perhaps because of that.

    My theory was that a fantasy version of his world -- not only more glamorous than the grinding machinery of actual law but amenable to wrapping things up in a neat little bow after the third commercial -- was a pleasant bit of escape.

    He'd found the family-law cases especially difficult. That, and knowing full well how even though the next step in the process was called the Department of "Correction," some young people who came before him were destined to be loyal repeat customers...


I started this blog so the child I gave up for adoption could get to know me, and in turn, her children, as well as share stories for a family that lives too far away. So please keep it friendly and kid safe. Posts that are only a link or include an ad for an unknown business automatically to to SPAM..