Things Women Will Never Understand About Men

Men are a misunderstood lot. I have 3 brothers, which include my stepbrothers, all Navy. I spent a couple years motherless, with a Dad who was retired Air Force, before he happily remarried. I work with all men. So I understand them better than most women. Perhaps it's best though they remain mostly misunderstood for many women do not want to know that they drink out of the milk carton as soon as you leave the room and find the most romantic scene in a movie the one where Jimmy Cagney shoved a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in Public Enemy. I find it rather humorous that women spend so much time trying to figure men out. Every ladies magazine I see seems to be a compilation of articles on how to GET a man while the other half is telling you that men are jerks. The same oxymoron that makes half of their non male articles about dieting and the other half recipes. This explains why the magazines on my kitchen table are woodworking, hunting, cooking and firearms.

So a quick HOTR explanation of the whys women ask.

Why men want to own the biggest, newest and most complicated version of everything.

I'm still confused by why women want to have a different pair of shoes for each outfit, but I'm not normal that way.

Marketing everywhere will quickly tell you that the male of the species has always had a compulsive desire to drive four wheel drive vehicles on suburb streets in Florida while opening a bottle of wine with something that resembles an off shore oil driller.


Men don't buy the cap snaffler, anything by Popeil or the simple. Men are drawn not by "easy", and "quick to use" but terms like "industrial strength", "tested in non nuclear warfare" and "will withstand 4,000 foot pounds of foot pressure!" because men contain some DNA within them that strives to be the best at every profession there is. A man isn't jut a man, with the right equipment he's fireman, paid assassin, grill chef, engineer, nuclear physicist, cowboy.

He doesn't make fun of you because you have 12 colors of nail polish in your drawer, so don't squawk when he has three different pipe wrenches. One of them of course, always has that special use that can't be done by the other two.

Why Danger is in their blood.

Men went from hunting Mastodons with big pointy spears to having to hold a purse in a mall. Totally understandable.



A man's idea of shopping is not the same as a woman's.

I admit it. I shop like a guy. I plan what I need to get, look at some reviews to see which is the best product and pick it. Then I walk into the store in a manner in which Clauswitz would be proud, cleverly avoiding people trying to spray me with cologne so I don't end up in sporting goods smelling like a Hollywood hooker. I see what I need, I grab it, (pillaging is in my blood), I pay for it, usually cash, and I quickly leave the scene of the crime.

So when you just surprise your mate with "honey would you go to the store and get eggs and milk" and he's sent into battle with no time for preparation, bombarded by countless displays that make no ergonomic sense and people shoving food and products at him with "want to try the new Kiwi Persimmon Pop Tart, now with antioxidants", he just wants to escape and as quickly as possible. Which is why he comes home with a case of beer, a bottle of olives and a birch tree.

Hardware and gun stores are different. Send him to one of those for just one small item and he'll come home with a vehicle packed tighter than the Clampetts truck on Beverly Hillbillies.


Why they don't want to talk about your relationship. (A Norwegian take on the Dave Barry classic)

If you wake up in the same bed and say hello, women usually think they have a relationship. Men usually own up to it sometime after your second child is in school. What they don't want to do is talk about it and will dodge the bullet of any conversation that starts with "where do you see us going?" or "do you see us getting married?" at a speed approaching light.

A relationship is like a Ruger Mark III. If you have a good one, it's grand, but if you attempt to take it apart bit by bit, you will live to regret it.

Let's take a young couple:

I'll call them Brigitta and Fred. They've been dating for a while and she says one night over dinner: "Wow, we've been dating over six months, that's almost a year now you know. I'd like to know where this is going".

Fred simply responds "a year, you betcha now." Brigitta's thinking to herself : "Is this serious? Tell me. Kids? What about marriage, a mortgage, the economy is a mess. all my friends are married, does Fred want to get married?

Fred however is thinking quietly: "Hmmm, a year. Time to get the lawnmower put in the barn and get the snow blower out. Damn, where is the damn thing."


Brigitta notices he doesn't respond and thinks to herself: "I shouldn't have said anything. He's not the romantic type, unless we're on that Nonstop to the Far East or ice fishing. Damn, I've spooked him. He's probably not ready for other L word. He's so darn quiet now and it's not just that Norwegian male thing.".



Fred is thinking: "Crap. It's WINTER again already. I need to get the snow blower in to be fixed and now. It's never shifted right since it sucked through that big chunk of something that I think was a moose. I don't care what those idiots at the repair shop say that they "can't duplicate the problem". Of course the (^#&'s can't duplicate it running it in a garage that's warmer than Abu Dhabi. It's on warranty. They have to do a better job than that. I paid $600 for that thing. with its "two year guarantee to start (my ass) promise".

Brigitta by now is pulling away, thinking: "oh I blew it I should have said anything. I've made him angry, look how his eyes are narrowing".

For what is going through Fred's mind is: "I'll bet they say they "can't duplicate it again" and point to that elfin writing on the instructions "can not handle snow deeper than 8 inches". This is (*#( Minnesota, we don't HAVE snow less than 8 inches, so why did they sell me this piece of. . . . I should have bought my snowblower at the small hardware store and not that big old big box mart of tool stores. Crap, if I can't get it fixed, then I can't get the Volvo out to go shooting this weekend. ()#(@ overpriced piece of (*@(.

Brigitta at this point has picked up her purse, said good bye to Fred and gone home to call and cry to her girlfriends for three hours on the phone as to the big breakup, after downing a pint of Hagan Daz ice cream and four Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Fred on the other hand, has a beer, drains the fluids in his mower, swears at his snow blower, wondering all the while why his beloved Brigitta was so damn quiet tonight.

Why men fix things and how.

Men can fix just about anything. Like gift wrapping, I think it's something in theie DNA code. My Dad can build anything in the world out of wood. My brothers can rewire a house in their sleep. Men love to take anything apart and will do so gladly, whether it's a range top oven, a computer or a chainsaw. Men are genius at taking the things apart that I could only tackle with a sledgehammer. Unfortunately, sometimes, for a few of them, there is a problem putting things BACK together. Fortunately, those men are often happy with leaving the remains spread out for future autopsy while they go out to see if they can find an "Industrial strength" model to replace the piece of junk that would have gone back together if it had been built better.

Since it's Christmas - Men and gift wrap.

Men do not like to wrap gifts. I think it was Dave Barry that said the first gifts given were the gifts to Baby Jesus. "Hence the term "wise men". Men don't understand the point in putting carefully coordinated paper with oodles of expensive ribbon on a package just to rip it off. (lingerie though is a whole 'nother idea).

Give a women a 15 inch scrap of decorative paper and she giftwrap a Sikorsky in less than 10 minutes. A man will carefully lay out the present, cut a swath of paper the size of Nebraska, and when he's done, there will be a gap in the back where you can see what the gift is. I realized in my anthropology courses that the Pharoahs had to be wrapped after death by women, otherwise the back of the mummy would be held together by a big piece of Scotch Tape.

So my Dad and brothers would often give me a present in a Safeway grocery sack, stapled carefully shut so I couldn't peek. With a bow on it that they'd happily press on it to dress it up for me. This lasted until Dad bought the mother of all Christmas wrapping paper, a roll that was at least 3 feet thick. He still has it. You know immediately which gifts are from Dad and the boys. Thirty years later, the roll's diameter is only about 4 inches less.


But if you want someone to have some FUN with a gift, it's the men. From childhood on I've boxes that rattled that shouldn't have, been too large for the contents, as well as those with mysterious air holes bored in the side. The gifts oftened turned out to be something extraordinarily fun but not what we thought it was.

Mom - What's with the big lawn and leaf bag in the living room?

Dad - It's a gift. Did you forget it's your birthday? Can't you tell? See there's a BOW!

Mom: (pulling it open and speaking in that tone that only women receiving applicances as gifts can actually utter with a straight face) It's a shop vac . . . .

Dad - But it has a six horsepower motor! And it comes with several small attachments!

Mom (laughing) - Is one of them a divorce attorney?

Dad - Oh, look there underneath (looks like a jewelry box)

Mom - It's those diamond earrings I admired!! (sqeall, kiss, kiss)

So don't knock the badly wrapped gift ladies, it can contain wonders.

Men and Play - Playstation Version.

Maybe it's an age thing but most of my younger male buddies will spend an entire day playing video games. It doesn't matter if at work they perform surgery all day, at home they are only truly challenged if they can get to the next level in Lego Zombieland WII.

I've seen it. I could have come in to the room stark naked with a Colt Commander I just purchased in a holster on my hip and any male in the room with a game player in his hand would not miss a blink. So remember ladies. If you are seeing or married to someone under the age of 40 and they appear glassy eyed and seemingly uncaring, they did not stay out all night with that waitress from Hooters, they have the new copy of HALO .

Men and Food

I agree with the men here. I don't want anything served with a sprig of parsley, or made from organic tofuberries sauteed in arugula. I want bacon. Bring it on.

Men and television.

Men don't just sit down and watch the TV, they're a supporting player. Once in that groove and with the right choice of handyman how to, adventure and sports, they can watch for hours with an intensity usually reserved for brain surgery and strip poker. However, they will look up with "Honey did you see THAT" when there is a particularly good explosion on Mythbusters. OR they can change channels at every commercial and simultaneously watch Man Vs Food, Survivorman, and Top Gear, all while completely engaged in each show, including remembering direct quotes and scientific facts, ALL at the same time. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

Men and illness.


Most men, on utterance of the first inkling have some woman tell them smugly "you haven't given birth, you don't know what pain is" and treat him like he's some big wimp just because he's never actually expelled an entire Buick from the recreational parking area. I can't speak for men, but I once had a tiny speck of tree branch in my eye that pierced the cornea while wrestling with the install of a tree blind and I can tell you that hurt worse than 10 pound 6 ounce Brigid. Jr. ever did with the whole natural (son of a )#(#*!) childbirth thing. I had a WHOLE new respect for pain after the eye surgeon fixed me up that day.

When a man says he's sick, he's rarely faking it. Actually when somethings going around work most of the men in my unit will suck it up and continue playing long after I take my whiny, sniffling self home for Jameson and honey laced tea and self pity. Men will always feel slightly under the weather just from carrying all that testosterone around unrestrained so it's only so you don't worry so much about him that works so hard, has a couple of beers and watches football when he's not feeling 100%. So have some sympathy. If your man says he's sick, pamper the hell out of him and remember that once he's asleep, the remote is YOURS.

A man's sense of humor.

click to enlarge

I was driving through the Midwest a few weeks ago, and out ahead of me I saw a pink vehicle, a distinct shade of light pink I recognized. It's a Mary Kay car I thought. You know, one of those new and shiny fancy cars with the sticker on the back "I Won It, Ask Me How - Mary Kay."

But as I got closer I could see it was a very beat up Volvo, with the rust marks to show its age. But it was pink.

Pink, painted with a brush.

With a fresh and flawless "I Won It Ask me How" sticker in the back window.

The man driving it looked like Red Green and the car was full of junk, likely a run from the farm to the junkyard or dump.

I laughed so hard I could hardly get a picture and got a huge grin from him when I waved at him as we drove past.

I told a gal I know and she didn't see why it was funny.

Some women don't like the Three Stooges either. I don't get it.

Why men look at other women.

A teenage female member of the Range household came home in tears one time years ago sobbing "my boyfriend was looking at girls at the mall when we were shopping". She was inconsolable. I asked. "did he make rude comments or act like a jerk?" "No", she sniffed, "but when he thought I wasn't looking he'd notice them".

I said "Take Grandpa and Grandma to the mall, Papa will drive and you can buy some ice cream with this $20" She came back an hour later, laughing, her tears dried "Grandpa looks at other women when he doesn't think Grandma is paying attention!" and we all had a good laugh.

It's in their genes, get over it. You are the one he wants to watch the Stooges with.

So there you have it, the HOTR top things that women don't understand about men.

Now here's what we do understand.

We admire you more than you know, we like hanging around you. We like the way you smell, and laugh, and how you can make an old pair of khakis and a black T shirt look sexier than any designer outfit we own. When things go wrong, we look up to you knowing you will use all of those many talents you have to help. We like what you stand for and how strong you are. You might be our husband, lover, brother, friend, or Secret Squirrel back up. But though we might be able to fieldstrip that AR or paint the house on our own, we'd be lost without you.


Love - Brigid