Thursday, June 11, 2015

On Directions - Gifts for Men and Women - the Differences

There's a series of commercials on the Chicagoland radio a couple of years ago from an identity theft protection service. They all give a list of "things your _____ will never buy".

One of the commercials went something like "The official list of things your girlfriend will never buy: Box seats to the rodeo, a 54 inch television, 2000 lbs of jet fuel, a cannon. "

Partner in Grime looked at me and said "the TV, I can see that - the rest of it sounds pretty normal for you".

With two careers, both in male dominated professions and being the only girl in the family, my life is probably a little different than the average gal.  But it has had it's advantages, I've learned some things I might not otherwise have, or at least not as young as I did -

I know at least a half dozen phrases that rhyme with Nantucket

I know the difference between wings, hot wings, buffalo wings, boneless wings, delta wings and variable geometry wings

I know that driving really really fast on a flat tire will not generate enough centrifugal force to make it round again. 

I know how to "suck it up. . ."  and tackle a hard assignment without drama, tears or pity.

I know that of ink, Skydrol500B, hot sauce and blood, which is easier to wash out of your shirt.

I know how to grill a really, really good burger

Plus I can speak the language - motors, firearms, alcohol and even Pirate, knowing pirate speak and the 4 rules of Cutlass safety.

1.  Your cutlass be always sharp.
2.  Be sure of your cutlass and what be beyond it.
3.  Keep the pointy end avast distance from yourself.
and the final one, remember gentlemen -
4.  Never let your cutlass cover something you are not willing to poke
Craftsman Adjustable Wench

For my guy friends and I have spent more than one afternoon at the range, cracking up in pirate talk before coming back to my house for grub.

Something on a plank?  (no, too predictable)
Hardtack? (no,  I got that on my last airline flight)
Kraken?  (too much like calamari)
Chum?  (no, I'm out of Chum Helper)

Now,  love my gal friends, who have taught me more about faith and firearms, self sufficiency and sacrifices than any one I know, but I am truly blessed by the men I know on and off the job.

But being pretty much the lone female in that group, I'm often queried when one of them doesn't understand something his wife, daughter, sister or girlfriend did, said or bought, as if someone who has a large ninja knife on her bedroom nightstand should give advice on women.

I do give a little advice,  on minor things, such as -
And gift selection.

Gifts to  avoid for wives (or female friends and relatives)

NASCAR Memorabilia (unless she counts among her fantasies - winning a big race or climbing Tony Stewart)
Hair remover
Jewelry or personal item previously given an ex
Brake Fluid (don't laugh, a lady I know got that for Christmas one year from her spouse)
Velvet paintings
Any thing labeled (insert body part here)-BUSTER
Someone at the front door with a warrant
Household appliances
And yes, I'll offer advice to ladies on what to avoid for their husbands/partners

Soap on a Roap
Any Movie with Julia Roberts
Snuggies (cammo does NOT make it better)
A pedicure
A Coupon for a Target Portrait of him with your Mom and your Cat
Unsolicited Instructions and
Socks (he thought you said sex, so now, no matter how warm they are, it's a let down)

So, don't listen to the radio, don't label a gift male or female (though big kid that likes Scotch works in our house).  When selecting a gift, be it birthday or holiday or anniversary - go with what you know the ones you love will like, not what society says they're supposed to like.
And that's your weekly advice from Home on the Range.



  1. Men usually find a way to buy their toys, so I can understand the frustration of buying for special gifts.

    Knives, whether cheap, or expensive, are always a good gift. Why? You can never have too many knives. Whether it's one to throw in the glove box for backup, or one to pass on to a grandchild to use for skinning game, it's always appreciated.

  2. Waz I one on the ones that taught you how to grill a really tastee burger?

    I mean, you did well before you came to our house, but then....

  3. Knives, flashlights, and make an exception for tall Thorlos for combat boots.

  4. Ha ha ha, you are funny. Someone tickled your funny bone today! Love it.

  5. O.k., so a friend of mine asked this question on her FB page:

    "If I have to make myself one more sandwich for lunch I'm going to gouge out my eye with a fork. Please, please, please give me some ideas for easy lunches."

    I'm looking through your recipes. What says "Lunch" there? Any suggestions?

  6. Hubby bought me windshield wipers, the really nice ones that don't flap at high speeds. He's so sweet. Now if I can only talk him into a set of sporty all season tires. Know any good brands?

  7. RonF - None of them are really quick enough to whip up for lunch, unless it's your day off, but 90% of them make dandy leftovers.

  8. Damn, where were you when I was young enough to have used all this advice ???? :)


  9. I'm giving my roomie a Mantis knife for her birthday. Because she likes jewelry and knives.
    Don't tell her!


  10. So the perfume called Hoppes #9 prolly won't fly?


I started this blog so the child I gave up for adoption could get to know me, and in turn, her children, as well as share stories for a family that lives too far away. So please keep it friendly and kid safe. Posts that are only a link or include an ad for an unknown business automatically to to SPAM..