Thursday, April 9, 2015

Love is an Exploding Cigar

The Picture above pretty much sums up when Partner in Grime and I met and anyone married to a redhead will relate. Tonight - since it's been an exhausting week in squirrel land, just some general silliness for those of you in a relationship, or navigating the minefields of dating.
Love is an Exploding Cigar We Willingly Smoke -

Lynda Barry

Like IDPA, if you ask some women, romance and marriage have their own point system.

Frankly I don't keep track, it's like that whole Weight Watchers thing. My heart goes "kaboop", there's the smell of bacon or gunpowder in the air and I don't think about points.

However, I am also told that having been raised in a very testosterone laden household (all, including Mom, LEO, military, defense or special ops), I don't "think like a girl" .

For example, Partner in Grime and I were recently on the couch discussing a book set deep back in history where women pretty much gave birth, toiled in the house and died too young. I said "I just don't think I would have fit in back then" to which he replied "B., back then you would have been burned at the stake as a witch". 

That actually made me smile.

But today some male buddies were talking about the female "point system", totally in the dark as to why some things they did made their spouses go from all happy and warm and "look my clothes fell off" to a a "fine" and a door slam. "Just what is this whole keeping points thing", they asked.


So, in another installment of HOTR romance tips here is the point system as we know it.

HOUSEHOLD CHORES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the matching useless pillow shams (-1)

You cover the rumpled sheets with that nice tarp you brought Bambi home in so the blood stains will dry out (-100)

SHOPPING

You make a special trip to the store when she's not feeling well and buy her something she needs (+1)

It's a girly product such as white nail polish (+2)

It's nail polish for her to touch up the sights on her 1911 (+5)

It's raining (+10)

You return without the item but with this month's issue of Big Racks. (-10)

It's not a magazine about hunting (-300)

HOME PROTECTION

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and its the wind (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You fire a load of buckshot in its general direction (+10)

It's her yappy little poodle (-50)

THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with another friend (-2)

Named Trixi (-10)

Trixi is a professional pole dancer (-50)

Trixi is showing off her new implants (-200)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not the flaming chicken wing place or a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it involves flaming chicken wings(-2)

and sports (-3)

And it's all you can eat night (-3)

It's a flaming chicken wing place, it's all you can eat night, your face is painted the colors of your favorite team and the gift you got her is a "We're No. 1" giant foam finger (-200)

DATE NIGHT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Mutant Zombie Hookers" (-8)

You lied and said it was about kittens and starred Julia Roberts (-25)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this make me look fat?" (-5)
Sorry guys - You lose points just by playing

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply "Not as much as what you wore to work today?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she's had a bad day at work, you listen, pour her a glass of wine and give her a hug. (+4)

You listen, through two glasses of wine and whining. (+50)

All while you are missing Top Gear. (+200)

Which you are able to watch if you turn your head just so and pretend to focus on her face as you look past her into the living room, until she catches you. (-200)

So now you know what the point system is. But trust me gentlemen if you find the right woman you won't have to worry so much about that. For in a truly good relationship it's not about points.

Unless bacon is involved.  Bonus points.