Thursday, April 9, 2015

Love is an Exploding Cigar

The Picture above pretty much sums up when Partner in Grime and I met and anyone married to a redhead will relate. Tonight - since it's been an exhausting week in squirrel land, just some general silliness for those of you in a relationship, or navigating the minefields of dating.
Love is an Exploding Cigar We Willingly Smoke -

Lynda Barry

Like IDPA, if you ask some women, romance and marriage have their own point system.

Frankly I don't keep track, it's like that whole Weight Watchers thing. My heart goes "kaboop", there's the smell of bacon or gunpowder in the air and I don't think about points.

However, I am also told that having been raised in a very testosterone laden household (all, including Mom, LEO, military, defense or special ops), I don't "think like a girl" .

For example, Partner in Grime and I were recently on the couch discussing a book set deep back in history where women pretty much gave birth, toiled in the house and died too young. I said "I just don't think I would have fit in back then" to which he replied "B., back then you would have been burned at the stake as a witch". 

That actually made me smile.

But today some male buddies were talking about the female "point system", totally in the dark as to why some things they did made their spouses go from all happy and warm and "look my clothes fell off" to a a "fine" and a door slam. "Just what is this whole keeping points thing", they asked.

So, in another installment of HOTR romance tips here is the point system as we know it.


You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the matching useless pillow shams (-1)

You cover the rumpled sheets with that nice tarp you brought Bambi home in so the blood stains will dry out (-100)


You make a special trip to the store when she's not feeling well and buy her something she needs (+1)

It's a girly product such as white nail polish (+2)

It's nail polish for her to touch up the sights on her 1911 (+5)

It's raining (+10)

You return without the item but with this month's issue of Big Racks. (-10)

It's not a magazine about hunting (-300)


You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and its the wind (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You fire a load of buckshot in its general direction (+10)

It's her yappy little poodle (-50)


You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with another friend (-2)

Named Trixi (-10)

Trixi is a professional pole dancer (-50)

Trixi is showing off her new implants (-200)


You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not the flaming chicken wing place or a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it involves flaming chicken wings(-2)

and sports (-3)

And it's all you can eat night (-3)

It's a flaming chicken wing place, it's all you can eat night, your face is painted the colors of your favorite team and the gift you got her is a "We're No. 1" giant foam finger (-200)


You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Mutant Zombie Hookers" (-8)

You lied and said it was about kittens and starred Julia Roberts (-25)


She asks, "Does this make me look fat?" (-5)
Sorry guys - You lose points just by playing

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply "Not as much as what you wore to work today?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)


When she's had a bad day at work, you listen, pour her a glass of wine and give her a hug. (+4)

You listen, through two glasses of wine and whining. (+50)

All while you are missing Top Gear. (+200)

Which you are able to watch if you turn your head just so and pretend to focus on her face as you look past her into the living room, until she catches you. (-200)

So now you know what the point system is. But trust me gentlemen if you find the right woman you won't have to worry so much about that. For in a truly good relationship it's not about points.

Unless bacon is involved.  Bonus points.


  1. Mmmmmm. Bacon.
    I make the bed every morning.
    That way I know I've done something right.

  2. Marriage to a redhead is always full of fireworks...

    Dann in Ohio

  3. Blue Bell Ice Cream recalled this week due to Listeria. Give her the runs, -1000 points.

    (Seriously. Check the date codes on their web site against any of their products in your freezer.)

  4. Back about 20 years ago, my Lady was at work showing some female co-workers our wedding album. They asked what date the wedding had been on and she told them Aug. 24th.

    "But that's today!"

    So my Lady calls me at home, and asks me what today is.

    (baffled voice) "Tuesday?"

    My Lady's co-workers want to know what "catching" me not knowing it was out anniversary would "get her". My lady said "But I didn't know either."

    They "You didn't ADMIT THAT did you!?!"

    My Lady "Of course I did!"

    Which is why my Lady and I are still married, and most of those one time co-workers of hers were working on their second divorce last we heard.

  5. I think, maybe the trick is to find a woman whose point system I can survive. In my experience the point system has been far less benign and predictable than your example.

  6. How many points for giving her the rifle with the Giessele trigger when we were at an Appleseed event?

    John in Philly

  7. We met on a blind date and I knew then he was the one. I was only 18. Got married two years later. After 50 years of the ups and downs of life, he is STILL the one.

  8. Bimbo Bread! I can say I ate it for real without losing points. Sme countries simply do not know about other languages. :)

  9. Men died too young, too!

    and redheads!


  10. My wife's Father was a redhead & her Mother was Spanish, so I know a thing or two about fireworks!!! :)


  11. "She asks, "Does this make me look fat?" (-5)
    Sorry guys - You lose points just by playing"

    I decided long ago that, since I'm losing points on this one anyway, I always say "No... the fact that you are fat is what makes you look fat. The clothes are irrelevant."

    If she gets my humor, she's a keeper. If not...

    Yes, There's a reason I'm chronically single.


  12. The next time you post this one you will have to update the communication section to "all while you are missing reruns of Top Gear".

    Thanks for the laugh.

  13. My wife made it easy (she said she didn't plan it), our wedding day was 6-7-08.

  14. I never pictured you in tactical lamé. Looks good, though.

  15. Wait a second, top gear was on in the next room the other night, were you not listening when I told you about the mistakes I found in the new steam table sheets at work? Oh well, I still carry a torch for you.

  16. Ed - you can't mess it up with bacon

    Dann - from that fiery , you also got a beautiful and talented daughter. You both are very lucky.

    Roscoe - it's mostly the formed treats that were recalled. Shame though, that's good ice cream.

    C.S.P. Shofield - thanks for stopping and yes, I can see why it works.

    fast richard - you sometimes need fast feet or a shield, but yes.

    John - BIG points!

    Chickenmom - that just warms up my whole day. Here's to many more good years.

    gunfreezone - haha!

    Merle Morrison - yes, that would definitely qualify.

    Stuart the Viking - :-)

    Mrs. S - thank you, as always for stopping in

    Joe Mama - I can put on girly clothes once in a while.

    Mark B. - that is ingenious. My parents wedding day was my Mom's birthday. Dad tried combining the two gifts one year into one. It did NOT go over well.

    Mr. Engineering Johnson - I am glad, and especially for that extra little torch you finish off the creme brulee's with!

  17. "Does this make me look fat?"

    I know I'm losing. I just fall back to Chris Farley: "no, your face does".

  18. Yep, that first photo is strangely familiar. I'm sure The Queen would agree.

  19. Regarding line five under Home Protection.... shouldn't it have been past tense?

  20. Thank you for this post! It made me laugh harder than anything has in quite awhile! Sharing this with Mason! It reminded me a bit of this video!

  21. Y'all see the man hangin' out of the spaceship with the really big gun? I'm not saying you weren't easy to find, but it was kind of out of our way and he didn't wanna come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting.

    Gotta say, Doctor, your talent for alienatin' folks is near miraculous.

    Yes, I'm very proud.

    Cut her down.

    The girl is a witch.

    Yeah, but she's our witch.


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