Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Spam Spam Spam Spam

Internet Spam Haiku - by Brigid

You too can make two
hundred dollars an hour
writing poetry

SPAM - like leading a horse to water.  Or not.

I've seen it all, even without accepting anonymous comments. There's the one guy who leaves comments on all the popular blogs - completely generic comments that indicated he never read your post.  We may not all write Shakespeare in a comment but putting "loved your post! or great idea! - link exchange?" on a post about a death in someone's family or a soldier being killed  while serving is beyond tactless.  When it goes back to a blog that's pretty much nothing but ads, other people's writing you copied and other people's videos, it's just wrong.

But there is always the obvious SPAM that IS funny. There are the ones that seem to be written by someone whose first language is NOT English. (Hot,  like a cow on fire!)

And the SPAM that comes via "thank you gmail!" Letting me know there's a source  for everything I could ever want to know on the "craps workbench (verb or noun?), ascent tampon, gopher debilitator, or products from the Spiderman Pharmacy.  Then of course there are the letters from folks with long legal titles in mangled English that begin with a narrative informing me of the giant foreign lottery I won that I don't remember entering, or the arrangement to cash a big check for someone overseas in exchange for a fee so big I could buy my own island  -

"I humbly request your ass. . ."


Then there are the ones that just make you tilt your head like the RCA dog. Huh?

"Observe up the monumental hunk of process, I show handful points on this internet site also I deem that your net scene is rattling stimulating furthermore has places of splendid news.”

"Monumental hunk of process?" Apparently a Six Sigma guy on crack selling the "Western Wedding Dress"  (Annie Oakley gets her man?)

Of course,  there are the  the more mundane ones, simply a sensible sounding comment  that makes sense but is so generic that it might not have any bearing on the actual post, but then again, it could.  "I wonder who sent it ? There's no link, just a blogger name, this must be someone I know" (click on the blogger name) -  "Act Now, get The Ronco Weasel Encabulator!"
The HOTR Crown Roast of SPAM

Always filling up my SPAM folder are those creepy ads for Viagra or Cialis that would make a South St. Louis crack dealer blush. I will not repeat here as this is a family blog.

Then there's the ones that are pure gibberish.  Written by a computer or simply someone reading the thesaurus after smoking the Happy Poppy.

Most people believe that a satellite falls in love with a loyal tape recorder, but they need to remember how ostensibly a load bearing burglar wakes up.  

If you want to have real fun, reply to one of those SPAM's from foreign women named Natasha or Anna the hot chick who saw you at the grocery who want to throw their bodies at you if you'd just send them air fare-- with your own auto generated reply.

Dear Darling Natasha.   

ANY sandwich can accurately sanitize an imaginary deficit, but it takes a real fruit cake to avoid contact with the steam engine.  The cab drive for an industrial complex ostensibly is a big fan of a grain  of sand.  Now and then a asteroid near a paper napkin pees on the boiled warranty.

Remember darling, when you see the ski lodge it means the tattered customer went to sleep.
Yours
L

But this latest one, from a country where the currency exchange is likely  based on the current value of a camel, did make me laugh after a VERY long and stressful week.  Maybe because he called me "dude" before trying to sell me dental equipment likely leftover from the last Soviet invasion, (the last three words being a direct link which I did NOT click on.)

"thanx dude i am really ur post tooth extracting forceps"

And finally - my favorite of those one liners .

THIS MASSAGE IS FROM HOMELAND SECURITY.  (Secret Service-- I might have bought it .  . .)

So, what were YOUR worst SPAM comments?

17 comments:

  1. Wow. I remember playing Mad Libs and getting stuff like that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. chuckling to the funny bone and back in denial they exist.....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Gee, I feel a little left out that I get so little spam in my...you know, maybe I should check my spam folder in my gmail account.

    "Eat This Never Diet Again"!

    ReplyDelete
  4. OK, that crown roast of spam about made me fall off the couch! But I digress...

    Here's a nonsensical one for ya: "The place else may anyone get that
    type of information in such a perfect method of writing? I've a presentation subsequent week, and I am at the look for such info."

    WTF?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yup! I check my spam folder. Apparently, the word out on the street is that I am deficient in certain anatomical ways. I get many offers for various supplements.

    The writers always have women's names. The names invariably are composed of at least half vowels. There must have been a study that correlated % vowels in a name to "sexy". Maybe it was Wheel of Fortune.

    -Eeatoon Raypids Jooee

    ReplyDelete
  6. Mine was in Chinese, so I have NO idea what it said... LOL

    ReplyDelete
  7. LOL. Your response to Natasha will get you a "heartfelt" email response about how she just broke up with the man that she thought she was going to marry after he cheated on her and that you are such a kind caring man who is now her one true love.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ronco Weasel Encabulator
    I got mine in green and right handed.
    I even get mail from ,myself offering myselfs money just to click on the link.
    Since I'm So Rich, I haven't clicked yet.
    Oh, yeah.. I don't like Russian Girls either as they have no prepositions.

    Rich in NC

    ReplyDelete
  9. My blog spam always looks as though it were translated with the worst translation engine known to man.

    A couple weeks ago, I was writing a story and decided to run it through a few different languages on google translator - and then back into English. It got pretty mashed up, but still wasn't as bad as these spam comments.

    My gmail spam as of late has mostly just been about missing a FedEx package or having to appear in court...

    I guess this stuff must work occasionally, or else they wouldn't still be doing it after 20 years, right?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Maybe this one came from the same person as yours.
    Hello! My name is Marina. I will be very glad to get acquainted with you... At me it is a lot of interests: I the cheerful and sociable woman. I am assured we can to find the general interests. It will be convenient to me to communicate with you by means of an e-mail.
    I wait for your letter from a photo. Bye
    'nuff said!

    ReplyDelete
  11. "You can lead a horse to water- But a pencil must be lead." *nod* Stan Laurel.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My "Prince Charming" who "heard" I'm "looking for love" is apparently in Nigeria with a boatload of cash.....

    Mind you, he can't get said funds until he's stateside !!!!

    But, for that to happen, I have to write a letter inviting him here AND pay his airfare and Visa fees.....

    I guess he'll be the victim of my unrequited love. I hit delete.

    ~BL~

    **< insert snark and sarcasm>

    ReplyDelete
  13. I receive spam as well as personal/business correspondence for an architect in Australia who has a GMail account with a the same ID except at gmail.com.au. People forget the *.au all the time.

    The Australian Roscoe seems to have a much more interesting/successful life than I do. I joke that he's my "Ace Rimmer".

    Smoke me a kipper. :)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXYfnWRp1Q0

    ReplyDelete
  14. Made a post saying I was going to take a few days off to get some much needed housekeeping done. This showed up:

    Web Developers DelhiApril 10, 2015 at 3:42 AM

    It was very useful for me. Keep sharing such ideas in the future as well. This was actually what I was looking for, and I am glad to came here! Thanks for sharing the such information with us.

    Do 'ya think he wanted some cleaning tips? LOL

    ReplyDelete
  15. Love to read the Spam, it's ridiculousness knows no bounds.

    Soon I won't have to as "Barrister Jones" in Nigeria is about to cut me a check for millions which I have inherited from a hitherto unknown relative in Lagos...

    I will be chortling over "Six Sigma guy on crack" all day. Perhaps all weekend.

    ReplyDelete
  16. [ threadjack ]

    For those of you in the Chicago area who might be interested in hearing some classical music cheap, there will be two productions of "Carmina Burana" along with a few other works (Ola Gjello's setting of St. John of the Cross's poem "Dark Night of the Soul" among them) by a combination of VOX3, the Northeastern Illinois University's choir and the Lakeside Orchestra this coming Tuesday and Saturday nights in Chicago. Details at http://www.vox3.org/event/carmina-burana/ and http://www.vox3.org/event/carmina-burana-2/ . The Tuesday night production is $4 and you'd best get tickets online before you show up. The Saturday night production is technically free but a $15 donation is suggested, as that hall ain't cheap to rent. My own particular interest here is that when they're doing works like this, VOX3 invites me to sing with them, so I'll be there on stage.

    [ /threadjack ]

    ReplyDelete
  17. RonF - thanks for the notice - I won't be back in Chicago for a couple weeks due to work and some family business to take care of.

    ReplyDelete

I started this blog so the child I gave up for adoption could get to know me, and in turn, her children, as well as share stories for a family that lives too far away. So please keep it friendly and kid safe. Posts that are only a link or include an ad for an unknown business automatically to to SPAM..